After a brief hiatus, elite World of Warcraft player Pixelsmith returns with his series of advanced guides. Here he tells you everything you would already know about Preists if you weren’t so stupid.

Preists

World of Warcraft has nine character classes. At least, that’s what it says on the box. In fact, the World of Warcraft, like every MMO ever made, has just two character classes: one which makes your green bar go down and one which makes your green bar go up. It doesn’t matter whether the bastard pummelling you to death is a muscle bound titan wielding an axe the size of your house, an emaciated waif setting fire to your head ten times a second, a bovine Legolas-wannabe with a pet wolverine called Tiddles or a hyperactive halfwit popping out of thin air and stunlocking your stomach until you keel over in a heap; these many shades of git are one class and one class only. The one that makes your green bar go down.

At some stage in RPG history, one bright spark took a step back from his day job of nurturing his beard, feeding his beer gut and typing endless lines of robot language into a BBC Micro and came up with an astounding new idea. Turning the green-bar-down concept completely on its head, this class would have the core ability of being able to replenish the green and prevent people from dying. Thus the Preist was born.

With the development of the MMO, the Preist would become an instant hit with everyone who didn’t play a Preist, its presence in their party enabling them to hit things to their hearts content with a substantially reduced risk of death. This, in turn, endowed the player behind the Preist with a warm glow of usefulness, popularity and self worth, a fundamentally mistaken feeling generated solely by the Preist’s role as a mobile version of the life-up chicken from Streets of Rage.

World of Warcraft Preists come in three flavours, defined by the trio of talent trees, Vanilla, Concrete and Emo.

Vanilla

The Vanilla Preist is the Preist as originally envisaged by God, or more accurately, as originally envisaged by the tubby programmer whose eureka moment gave birth to the class. Structured primarily around skills which improve green bar replenishment, most Vanilla talents simply boost the conversion rates of the blue bar to the green bar. But the Vanilla tree also holds some special abilities, including: Happy Fire - an area of effect spell which heals friends for virtually nothing while simultaneously damaging foes for virtually nothing; Not Dead Yet - which allows the Preist to shapeshift into an angel simply by wandering into a hail of enemy attacks, granting an enjoyable 15 second period of interruption-free casting; and Bandage Fridge - a handy stockpile of heals over time which is invisible to all other players.

Concrete

The Concrete Preist is designed around the concept of not dying. Through a combination of anti-death talents, high resilience and sheer bloody mindedness, the Concrete Preist can not only survive attacks but actually defeat opponents. A fight usually turns into a steady war of attrition in which the enemy gradually diminishes your blue bar by hacking away at your green bar, all the time being gradually killed themselves at a rate equivalent to a small dog chewing their ankle. Key skills in the Concrete armoury include: Dispel Me 1 - a helpful talent which boosts spell effects for two seconds until dispelled; Dispel Me 2 - a helpful talent which reduces incoming damage for two seconds until dispelled; and Dispel Me 3 - a helpful talent which reflects incoming damage back at the attacker for one second until it disappears of its own accord.

Emo

The Emo Preist was developed as a way of giving the Preist player, whose existence to date had involved doing rarely acknowledged favours for everyone else or collapsing after being kicked in the head by a bigger character, a way of fighting back: Emo Form. Like pumping a Baywatch cameraman full of horse tranquilisers and handing him a shotgun, the Emo Form engages at the flick of a switch and directly converts years of pent up penis envy into a violent explosion of purple-based damage which leaves nothing behind on the battlefield but guts and weeping. Crucial to the power of the Emo Preist are: the Proton Pack, a scary beam which makes ghosts writhe around in readiness for being trapped in a special shoe box; Cheating, which replenishes the green bar in accordance with the amount of enemy green bar reduced and is therefore against the rules; and the Emo Form itself, which boosts damage output and turns the Preist the same colour as the outer layer of a teenager.

Tricks of the trade - the tactics that will help you become the greatest WoW player.

(1) The accepted greeting upon meeting a Preist is “heal”. If this fails to elicit a response, the Preist is Swedish. The accepted greeting upon meeting a Swedish Preist is “hael”.

(2) Emo Preists enjoy being told to change their talent build to enable you to complete an instance. Ask them to do it, and if they refuse, tell them they are a noob. This will make the Preist happy.

(3) In PvP, remember to always target the Preist last. This will ensure it has plenty of time to use up its blue bar on helping its friends, making it much easier to kill when the moment comes.

(4) If you are cornered by an aggressive Preist, reveal a guilty secret. The Preist will then be obliged to sit inside a booth and tell you what you’ve done was bad, but will probably be OK if you say some poems and punch yourself in the face. At this point you can make good your escape.

(5) Reroll Preist.

Thank you for reading my Elite Guide to Preists. Hopefully one day I will see you on the battlefield and you will kill me with what you have learned.

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by Bludgenous, Official Bruce Political Analyst

War is a complicated thing, but WoW manages to encapsulate the different forms from real life and puts them into a game format. Few people know that World War Two was actually won when the Allies captured the Axis flag for a 3rd time winning 3-2 in 1945, and the Hundred Years War between Britain and France went on for so long because they both had each others flags and were hiding on the roof while everyone just killed each other in the field. However modern warfare as we all know is all about oil or “Resources”, and the Arathi Basin is a brave political statement by Blizzard reflecting warfare as we see it today. However you’re not here for a history lesson you’re here to win AB, so lets get started!

Before all war starts, all soldiers, as in real life, are unable to get to the battlefield due to some impregnable 5ft high rusty iron gates, and then when war is ready to commence they magically open. This is similar to the Gulf War when Koffi Annan got the opposing sides together at different edges of some desert somewhere and remotely opened the pens containing US and Iraqi troops. I got a D in A-Level History, so I know what I’m talking about.

Of late a new trend had emerged of it being compulsory to say “table plx”. Under no circumstances should a mage provide a table for food, and it goes without saying that paladins should never ever buff the party. This would provide Horde players with an advantage and might jeopardise the Alliance’s chances of winning.

Once the game starts the first objective is the Farm. This is usually capped quickly, however it should not be defended. Defending in war is incredibly boring, so just don’t do it. The Farm obviously counts less than any of the other checkpoints in the game, so everyone is required to scatter as quickly as possible, but is in fact a thinly disguised metaphor for the Afghan Opium Fields. I’m on to you, Blizzard. Engaging in politics is not what this game should be about! Once this is undefended approximately 5-6 members of the Horde should proceed to the Lumber Mill to be killed by upwards of one member of the Alliance with vastly superior “gear”. Well, if this isn’t a direct statement on the superiority of American weaponry in the fight against terror then I don’t know what is.

The Horde at this point should be losing quite comfortably. The best tactic here is to run about with no particular purpose and do not attempt to cap any further bases. It is best to ignore the Battleground chat window at this point, as there will be a debate raging. At a score of 20-0 to the Alliance it is of course sensible to “let them win” and someone will take it upon themselves to repeatedly spam this in the chat window. In an ideal world Arathi Basin Matches would not happen, we would simply be awarded one battle token to the Alliance three and it would be so much quicker. Alas some people selfishly continue to play. I don’t understand the debate on afk’ers. They should be commended it is the people that are playing I want to see cracked down upon; it is slowing up the games no end.

Anyway you should be well on your way to getting a solitary battle token now, so you just need to do what comes naturally to your class. So for example if you are a healer, heal no one but yourself. It’ll all be over soon.

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Women. What are they? Where do they come from? How can I trap one? These questions have crossed the mind of every male World of Warcraft player at some point in their online life - generally when they encounter a woman. At such moments, it’s all too easy to fall into a panic and forget how to use your limbs and mind. Please, don’t worry. We’re here to help.

At The Bruces, we pride ourselves on mistreating women less than any other guild. It’s thanks to this modern, forward-thinking attitude that we have humanely trapped more than ten women for ourselves. But we’re not selfish. We’d like to help you achieve the same level of success and, to that end, all our women are available for the introductory rate of 30 Euros per half hour. We have also produced a handy Elite Guide to them.

WOMEN

The Key Questions

What are they?
Women are the female equivalent of the human man. Where man’s DNA is closest to that of the chimpanzee, however, women share 99% of their genetic information with frogs.

Where do they come from?
The origin of women is a mystery, but it is believed they come from swamps and ponds. Like frogs.

How can I trap one?
The science of woman trapping is fascinating and diverse. Historical records show early men would ensnare women by placing a shiny object like a well polished shoe inside a jam jar and leaving it in a field. Entranced by the shoe, passing women would reach into the jar and attempt to retrieve it. The man would then run towards the distracted creature and hit it over the head with a stick. This meant they were married.

Modern trapping methods are rather more complex. Today’s male will take a desirable object like an iPod and leave it inside a jam jar in a coffee bar or clothing boutique. Passing women, drawn to the mp3 player, will reach into the jam jar to try and touch it, whereupon the man will leap out from behind a chair or mirror and hit the woman over the head with a stick. This means they are married.

Identifying features

With the notable exception of Thailand, identifying a woman is easy. Telltale signs begin with the head: hair should be glossy and abundant, eyebrows slender and well ordered and lips bright red and slightly pouting. Crucially, there should be no moustache or beard: many men have found themselves in a sticky situation after forgetting this vital step.

Below the neck, women are identifiable by their lack of bow tie, and by two raised areas on the chest. These are highly sought after by the internet community. Lower still, the woman’s sexual organs differ drastically from those of a man. It is rare that these will be used for the purpose of identification, as the owner will likely have been verified as a woman before said regions are revealed. Again, with the notable exception of Thailand.

Experienced spotters can also pinpoint a woman by looking at the base of the body. Feet, unlike those of the male, are small and dainty, with only the toes touching the floor. Making identification easier still, the shoe is usually adorned with the image of a bra.

Dealing with women in the wild

In the jungle
If you see any women in the jungle, stay well back. They may start kissing.

Online
If you encounter a woman on the internet, politely demand that it sends you images of its breasts. This will make it feel valued.

In a chat room
Women in chat rooms are usually men. Unlike real women, this means they are very likely to be seeking cybersex. Use this to your advantage.

Inside the home
The women in your house are your mother and your sister. Do not attempt to marry them. Unless you live in Finland, in which case you should attempt to marry them both.

Top Tips

Upon encountering a woman, the first course of action which presents itself to the male is to prod it curiously. Beware: this rarely goes down well. Instead, divert the woman’s attention with a humorous story or a flare. Any prodding may then go unnoticed.

Women love gifts. Try leaving a dead mouse or some wasps on one’s bed.

Ugly women have low standards. Take advantage of this by trying to sleep with them.

If a woman dies while in your possession, do not panic. It will function as normal for at least three more days, after which it can be respectfully thrown into the sea.

Thankyou for reading the Elite Guide to Women. Hopefully you will use it to gain great amounts of success and women.

12 Comments

In a new series of Advanced Guides, elite World of Warcraft player Pixelsmith tells you everything you always wanted to know about your favourite character classes, but were too stupid to have worked out yourself.

Huntard

The Huntard is the World of Warcraft’s master of ranged damage. It uses a gun or a bow and arrows to kill things far away, and if an enemy gets close it uses a weapon stolen from a different class. It’s important for the huntard to not get in too close because its damage is awful. Hunters can wear leather clothes but when they hit lv40 they can upgrade to wooden clothes, which have more protection against melee damage and are also vegetarian.

The most important thing about the Huntard is that it has a pet. This is an irritating animal that the huntard has trained from the wild. There are more than one million different animals on Azeroth that the Huntard can befriend, and each has its own unique abilities such as “run” and “hit.” The most popular type of Huntard pet is a cat, followed next by a dog and then a goldfish. The Huntard must give its pet a stupid name.

Huntards have a health bar and a mana bar. The health bar is used for dying but the mana bar has no function, a little like the human appendix. It is a leftover from the Beta stage of development when the Huntard used mana. Blizzard cannot remove the bar because of a game breaking bug which would cause all rats to become invincible.

The Huntard has three talent trees called Animal, Shooting and Miscellaneous. The Animal tree has a number of skills which buff your pet’s Run or Hit powers, including one which makes it glow bright pink. The Shooting tree is the best, since it makes the Huntard better at shooting. Put at least 35 points into the Shooting tree. The Miscellaneous tree has a range of talents designed to make the Huntard more annoying to fight, plus a number of “placebo” talents which do nothing.

Tricks of the trade - the tactics that will help you become the greatest WoW player.

(1) Always try to do damage from far away. If an enemy runs at you so you can’t shoot, back away while facing them directly and flail your melee weapon.
(2) It is considered honourable to dismiss your pet before entering a battleground.
(3) All good Huntard builds are based around the Aimed Shot talent. This is a very powerful ranged attack which charges up for four minutes then one-shots the entire server.
(4) Your pet is your best friend. Remember to give it food, sex and water or it will die.
(5) If an item drops when you are in a group, roll Need.

Thank you for reading my Elite Guide to Huntards. Hopefully one day I will see you on the battlefield and you will kill me with what you have learned.

4 Comments

Pain. We hate it. It’s up there with sickness, pestilence and death as one of life’s great bad things. Ask anyone what they dislike, and there’s a 50/50 chance that they’ll turn to face you, look deep into your eyes and say the word: “pain.” They might even do a little grimace.

So it’s no surprise to discover that pain features quite highly on the list of words to use in your arena team name. And why not? There’s nothing like the word “pain” to scare your opposition. Whenever I kill one of my victims, I like to soften them up with a series of unpleasant words, like “bang,” “slice,” and “scratchy.” A couple of hours of that and they’re on their knees begging for mercy.

Here’s a small selection of the 427 Arena Teams with “pain” in their name, not including the 17 simply called “Pain.” They’re broken down into themes for ease of digestion.

Things of Pain

Army of Pain
Gods of Pain
Angels of Pain
Sons of Pain
Brothers of Pain
Shadows of pain
Illusion of Pain
Power of Pain
Flames of Pain

And the token gay team: Lords of Pain

Murder Stab Destroy Kill Maim Gut Manslaughter Pain

HELL PAIN
Pain Death
Pain Killers
Suffer Pain Death

If those are simply too meek, why not join: Doom Death Pain and Hate

We have to admit, we actually like pain

Beautiful pain
Lovely Pain
Sweet Pain
The Joy of Pain

Love hurts when you give: Roses of Pain

Pain happening for a long time

Never Ending Pain
Endless Pain
Infinite Pain
Eternal Pain

Or, if you’d like some pain that will at least stop when you die: Permanent Pain

Sexy Pain

Cool pain in the ass
DeSire for PaiN
Purple Pain

Had five kids? Try: Fist of Pain

Bottom of the class

Gnom of Pain
Bloodfull Pain
Pain Compagny
Pain will com soon

Top caps abuse: pHysiCal PaiN

Finally

Pain of Destiny - fate hurts.
Distributors of Pain - for all your pain industry solutions.
Pain Train - one way tickets only.
Beyond Pain - sometimes pain just isn’t enough.

And the best of the bunch:
Pain olympic winners

22 Comments

WARSONG GULCH

Warsong Gulch is the site of a never ending battle between Alliance and Horde. As in real wars, each side has to steal the other side’s flag without having their own flag stolen. Once they have done it ten times they are declared the best.

The game starts with everyone running out of the flag room, climbing onto their horse or chicken and heading for the opposing faction’s base. At least half must dismount midfield and remain there for the duration of the battle.

Once the remaining players have stolen the flag, they will run back to their own base while their opponents complete the same manoeuvre. The opposing flag carriers must then hide on the roof until this happens in chat:

Were is our flag
has anyone seen r flag?
stop farming honor in middle
FC is pally we will never kil i8t
ITS ON ROOF. FFS NOOBS ATTACK TOGETHR OR WE LOOSE
were is falg???
jus let them win

After ten minutes of this, both flag carriers will be killed by a rouge. The cycle then repeats.

CLASSES
All classes have a use in WSG, but the most important ones are:

Worlock - this is the best class for everything. Have at least 8 Worlocks. They should all have their voidwalkers out because they are the hardest demons to kill.

Dr00d - Dr00ds can heal the Worlocks.

Preists - Preists can also heal the Worlocks.

Shamanans - see above.

Palodins - see above.

It is also helpful to have a Rouge for damage meter reports.

RULES

No smoking.

No biting.

No eye gouging.

Eating your flag will get you banned.

Sex must be consenting.

Worlocks must be healed.

Honor from killing someone is worth TEN TIMES the honor for winning the game.

At least two players must be afk at all times or any victory is void.

TOP TIPS

Get the flag and run back to your base to cap it. Try and do this repeatedly.

If all players from the opposing faction are from the same server, this indicates a “premade.” Type /afk and go make a sandwich.

If you are losing, be sure your teammates know they are wasting your time by telling them in raid chat.

Good hiding places are: the roof, behind a tree and Arathi Basin.

Heal Worlocks to win the game.

Don’t forget to have fun!

Thank you for reading my Elite Guide to Warsong Gulch. Hopefully one day I will meet you on the battlefield and you will /afk.

14 Comments

LIKE all great tales, the birth of the Worlock class has its foundations in a love story. Warcraft lore tells of a mighty and respected caster, Stevesmage, who fell deeply in love with a beautiful Holy Preist called Susantwo. The pair embarked on a whirlwind romance, and for three intense months their passion was the talk of Azeroth.

But then disaster struck. One foolish Friday night, Susantwo invited Stevesmage for a moonlit walk on the beach to tell him a secret. Flush with love but wracked by guilt, she turned to him on the sand and whispered in his ear to tell him a terrible secret. She was only 14 years old IRL.

And also male.

Stevesmage snapped. With a flick of his fingers, he transformed his lover into a sheep and, as she waddled to and fro bleating, he summoned a mighty ball of fire and thrust it into her. Susantwo burned momentarily before falling over and exploding in a flurry of burnt wool and guts. Stevesmage dropped to his knees, weeping. He would be a mockery when the world found out. Furrowing his venerable brow, he wiped his eyes and and conjured a portal.

He knew Stormwind Library like the back of his hand, so it took him just two minutes to find the doorway to the Forbidden Section. He paused, assessing the gravity of what he was about to do. But he had no choice, and he blinked inside.

—-

The following morning, Stevesmage was gone. The once pure wizard, this respected and honoured caster, had absorbed knowledge of curses, of demons, of stolen souls and shadows and the darkness at the end of the rainbow. All that was left was a blackened, emaciated shell. His muscles had rotted, his innards ached and he could hardly see, but his mind… his mind throbbed with power.

He summoned forth a rock demon to break through the walls of the library and stood, surveying the chaos, as the creature thundered onto the streets of Stormwind. He one-shotted a passing orphan and grinned wickedly as he sucked out the infant’s soul. In the course of a single night, the great Stevesmage had possessed, and been possessed by, the secrets of the nether. He would be no laughing stock. There would be no mockery.

There would be only Fear.

4 Comments

Continuing his series of Advanced Guides, elite World of Warcraft player Pixelsmith tells you everything you always wanted to know about your favourite character classes, but were too stupid to have worked out yourself.

Palodins

Brightly polished and fuelled by holy might, the Palodin truly is a sight to behold on the battlefield. The class was devised as a unique fusion of the role-playing world’s most interdependent pairing, the Warior and the Preist. World of Warcraft’s creators struggled with various prototypes, including a cloth melee class and a healer which generated vast amounts of threat, before settling on the Palodin in its current form - a character structured around the fundamental principle of being impossible to kill. Indeed, in the two years since the Warcraft servers went live, there have been only three reported Palodin deaths.

The Palodin has three key features which grant it its inability to die. The first is plate armour, protecting it from melee damage. The second is a healing skill, which grants it longevity. The third is the Bubblehearth spell, which renders the Palodin completely invincible then ports it to the pub. These abilities are strong alone, but combined they make for a class which is statistically the most annoying ever created.

But there is a payoff for this incredible survivability. Initially, the class’s key deficiency was its low damage-per-second, or “DPS,” making it the role-playing equivalent of a shiny gold Weeble with legs. The Palodin’s only attack capabilities came in the form of a soft foam mallet with which to lightly irritate its opponent for 10-15 minutes before Bubblehearthing to safety. But recent game patches have increased - or “buffed” - the damage capacity of the class and, to balance this new power, Blizzard has been forced to rethink its base statistical structure.

So, while Strength, Stamina, Intellect, Spirit and Agility remain unchanged, a hitherto unseen sixth statistic, Homosexuality, has been made public, and raised to an unprecedented extent. Level 1 Palodins now start with 150 base Homosexuality points and gain 7 points per level. It is expected that a level 70 Palodin in full Tier 4 armour will have upwards of 2,5k Homosexuality, unbuffed, and the new High Warlord Palodin hammer, The Tradesman, could push that to almost 3k. The stat is remarkable for being the first in MMO history to directly affect the game user, increasing at a linear rate the extent to which the player enjoys the embrace of a powerful, hairy man.

The Palodin has only one talent, Bubblehearth, upon which all talent points are spent. Although the spell is fully functional from level 10, each successive point gives access to a new and more annoying emote, including /twofingers, /sarcastic and /righteousface. The 61 point emote combines all previous emotes into a single gesture so unfathomably annoying it cannot safely be described.

Tricks of the trade - the tactics that will help you become the greatest WoW player.

1) A shiny Palodin is a happy Palodin. Polish your armour daily using a mixture of beeswax and urine.

2) Your Bubblehearth spell will usually take the enemy by surprise, buying you a few precious seconds before they adjust their tactics to respond to your immunity. Use this time to your advantage by spamming /spit.

3) Stop shouting “huughh” when you do things all the time, and wipe that bloody smirk off your face while you’re at it.

4) The Burning Crusade will see a legion of curious Horde players creating Blood Elf Palodins. Get a headstart on them by spending some time in public lavatories and befriending the people you meet there.

5) Don’t forget to use the spell which makes a big hammer of golden justice come down from the sky. Everyone hates that.

Thank you for reading my Elite Guide to Palodins. Hopefully one day I will see you on the battlefield and you will kill me with what you have learned.

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