This Friday marks the start of the most epic journey ever attempted in the name of Bruce, as Brodos and Pixelsmith leave the loving bosum of their English homeland for a pan-European adventure. For 20 days they’ll be enjoying the hospitality of their fellow guild members, sleeping on their floors and sofas, eating food from their fridges and stealing their valuables. Here’s a map to show how it’s going to happen.

Here’s the plan of attack:

1) England. Cradle of civilisation. Land of eternal bliss. Goodbye, sweet home.
Predicted highlight: None, it’s crap.

2) Finland. Home of Iscaria and, more to the point, Iscaria’s parents. A question mark hangs over whether they have been fully informed of the imminent influx of foreign geeks.
Predicted highlight: Dwarf mines. Snow.

3) Sweden A. Home of Morani, Moodok and a large dog. Moxto will visit, as will Aakarp. Fun will ensue.
Predicted highlight: Eating fish. Assembling furniture.

4) Sweden B. Home of Aakarp. Soon not to be home of Aakarp any more because she’s moving.
Predicted highlight: Shouting “SWE?” in street. Destroying flat.

5) Serbia. Home of (deep breath) Peyota, Lyoshi, Tronetti, Mardag, Shone, Bog, Krool, Dudemeister and about 50 more people.
Predicted highlight: Armed warfare.

6) Bulgaria. Home of Cheesus, adopted Alliance Bruce, and many of his associates.
Predicted highlight: Getting ganked.

7) Italy. Home of Wrists, aka Thooghun, aka Takecandle, aka Furyofbenoit, aka Roguelol, aka Learntopray.
Predicted highlight: Ice cream. Whores.

England. End of holiday. Land of sadness and sorrow.
Predicted highlight: Sleep.

There are too many people and too many countries left off the list, but five countries in two-and-a-half weeks is mental enough as it is. Plus it’s not long to Brucecon Swe, and provided neither Brodos nor Pixelsmith wind up in a bath of ice in the woods with their kidneys harvested, there’s always 2009!

p.s. Brucey news may be a bit thin on the ground for a little while. There’ll be a goodbye post in the form of the Elite Guide to Alterac Valley.

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Kairne stood at the edge of Mount Hyjal. His axe lay by his feet. In his stomach burned an acrid mix of emotion: of shame, of regret, of loneliness and loss. Though this warrior carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, he was not empty. For he had once loved. He had once belonged. He had once been held dear by a group of friends, enclosed within the hallowed circles of the greatest guild Ahn’Qiraj had ever known. Though it was now barely visible underneath his tattered flesh, behind his broken eyes, the soul of Kairne still bore the mark: this man was once a Bruce. A tear ran down his face, and fell into the abyss. He took a step forward…

He awoke to the sound of the sea lapping against sand. Confused, bewildered, he rubbed his eyes and sat up. He was on a tiny island, Azeroth a distant mass through the mist. Beside him lay his axe, his shield and a scroll of parchment. He reached forward, unrolled it and began to read.

We have not forgotten you, Kairne. We would not let you die. But a man who closes the door to his family should not be surprised to find it bolted on his return. The Gods of the Bruces will not place their faith in you again until your commitment has been put to the test.

And so began the Trials of Kairne.

The Trial of Boosting
The dungeons of Azeroth are dangerous indeed, and many a brave adventurer has been lost inside their depths. You must guide five low level Bruces or Bruce alts through five instances, so that they might gain the weapons and armour they need to face their enemies. A screenshot must be provided of each final encounter - your judge will be Henchick, God of Meatshields.

The Trial of the Turtle
For years, the Horde and the Alliance have fought for the land at Warsong Gulch. The Gods of the Bruces have never understood the point of this, as the only natural resource present appears to be flags. With this in mind, you must provide the weary soldiers of the Gulch with a rest from their struggle, by prolonging a match for no less than 90 minutes. A screenshot must be provided of the final scoresheet, and screenshots of abuse received from fellow Horde will also be appreciated. Drummerhero, God of Being a Bastard, will be your judge.

The Trial of Cocks
Cocks are everywhere, but only a few have the skills to find them. Inspired by the terrible news post directly below this one, you must find three environmental cocks located somewhere within the World of Warcraft. Screenshots will be judged by Vario, God of Trousers.

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You’ve seen the photos. It looked like a pretty good party, didn’t it? Lies! Omgbruces has obtained exclusive access to a stolen memory card, and the pictures inside - taken by a mystery photographer - reveal the shocking reality of online gaming. Scroll down to see the shameful truth behind The Bruces’ September nerdfest.

Pixelsmith strikes a sexy pose.

Aakarp demonstrates the traditional clothing of Sweden.

Milkman casts fear.

The arrival of Ceelie is announced.

Exelos, Morani, Evelny, Dingdiesel and Hoofios enjoy an excellent joke about a GUI conflict between version 2.0.13 of the FuLocationFu addon and the latest Cartographer instance maps pack.

Brodos makes his exit.

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Loot drama has risen its stinky head again. Apologies for using the front page to hog the discussion.

I don’t raid any more, so it’s not my decision, but I ended up running the DKP system when we first started raiding as a guild, and seriously, sitting there after a raid and assigning points to people gets old really fast.

Loot point systems are unfair and complex by their very nature. Say you break it down to one point per boss or one point per hour - what happens for a first downing of a boss or an hour of hanging around waiting for people, what happens when you fail to down a boss for three tries or have to leave after 45 minutes? What about farming runs, when someone can pick up boss points like sweets, contrasted against progress runs?

Essentially loot points are a way of quantifying how much you “deserve” an item. Sadly, the complexity of this concept means if it is quantifiable at all, this is probably only achievable by God. It is certainly not something we mere mortals can handle with any accuracy. Sure, we can devise a rough system - but then other variables present themselves: quitting a raid, substituting, downing a new boss, playing with an alt, and innumerable other factors, and you find yourself in the decidedly shaky position of having to quantify some new, vague concept and somehow work out how many of your original points it equates too.

1 Love plus 3 Fucks minus 7 Grazed Knees = 4 Good Songs and A Burger.

You’re attaching an arbitrary value to a vague concept then building a system around the result. What’s more, your solution must be agreed upon by everyone. Then you take the whole wobbly structure and hand it over to some poor sucker to administer it, in conjunction with the raid leader who must sit down, exhausted, after each raid - and they don’t usually end on a high - and type out who was there, who won what, who spent what DKP points and how much what they bought was worth. They you have to hope the guy who gets the text file adjusts the tables in time for the next raid. It is, in short, a right ballache, and if I’ve learned anything about The Bruces in the last 18 months it’s that enthusiasm for administrative procedures is very short lived.

So DKP is a flawed concept, doomed to failure - and the unfairness which it brings about is somebody’s fault instead of the fault of the game and its randomness, and that leads to bitterness. Just work it out like gentlemen. Master Loot, then the relevant people roll - and if anyone has a problem they can raise it at that stage. If you want an item enough, have the bravery to say so - and if you don’t pipe up and instead let some new guy walk off with it, who cares, you gain a few karma points with the universe by being selfless.

“Who deserves what” is a vague concept, and it requires a vague system. Numbers look simple but where human interaction is concerned, they are one-sided mask. Like patient targets in hospitals or crime statistics, the picture you see is badly skewed because life is a lot more complex than the figures suggest, and somewhere under that fascia of justice, someone’s getting bumfucked because the numbers do not - cannot, by their very definition - add up.

There is no better way to solve a problem than to sit down and discuss it. To dream of DKP is to admit you consider mature discussion to be an inadequate method of solving loot drama, and that, whichever way you look at it, means this is not the guild you’re looking for.

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Five days have passed since the trials began. Throwing himself upon the mercy of the Gods, our hero Moone has undertaken three epic challanges to earn their respect and pledge his allegiance once again to the guild he forsake.

He has thrown himself from the heights of Mount Hyjal, without fear. He has slain villages full of farmers, without sorrow. And he has saved the tragic Tauren, Gamon, from his eternal torture at the hands of the Horde. With the courage of a warrior, the lethality of a rogue and the compassion of a priest, he has completed his three trials.

Welcome home, young Moone. The Gods are pleased with you.

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COMPLETED

Rugal, God of Cynicism: “”Moone has blessed the Crossroads with Gamon’s presence and passed the third trial. The Gods smile down on you today, Moone.”

Gamon goes on holiday

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COMPLETED

Redstripe, God of Adventure: “Moone has completed the Trial of Air not once, but twice. Mount Hyjal no longer holds any fear for him - he is brave indeed, and I give him my blessing.” *

Moone’s Leap of Faith

*may not have actually been said by Redstripe

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COMPLETED!

Brodos, God of Pitchforks: “Moone has provided me with a sufficient amount of pitchforks. Here is the evidence we required. Well done young Moone.”

Ten pitchforks in Brodos’ sack.

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The Sins of Moone

Five-and-twenty centuries ago, a rogue named Moone left his guild, The Bruces, for pastures new. A long time member and friend to many, his leaving caused an outcry. Judas, Judas, cried his friends - why have you forsaken us? Stunned, guilty, he returned within 24 hours.

But his itch had not been scratched, Still Moone pined for knowledge of a life outside the guild, of a place where purples flow like water, where raiding takes place nine times a day and where all the people sp34k liek th15. So he pursued his foolish dream, and left again.

He quickly discovered that the grass was not greener outside. On the contrary, it was lifeless, and dry, and full of twats. And so he asked for his former brethren to forgive him and welcome him back to their bosom. He had learned his lesson, he declared, and he would not stray again if only the guild found the heart to forgive him.

The Gods of the Bruces were kind indeed, and they missed their friend. But they did not forgive a gquit easily, and they bore the weight and responsibility of wisdom on their backs. From the moment the mighty Morani, Goddess of Raids, plunged her arm into the Fires of Hades and scorched her flesh, they understood that mistakes were made for a reason. Without mistakes, we do not learn, nor do we grow, and nor can we progress.

Moone’s mistake could be forgiven, but it could not go unpunished, else there would be no lesson learned. If he desired re-entry into the hallowed halls of The Bruces, they reasoned, he would have to put the power of his actions behind the yearnings of his heart and prove himself.

And so the Gods set about plotting their test.

The Three Trials

The Trial of Air - Redstripe

A Noggenfogger plunge from the heights of the forbidden land of Hyjal. Redstripe, God of Adventure, discovered the secret realm and documented its secrets. He will lead Moone to Hyjal and watch him leap.

The Trial of Endurance - Brodos

The farmers of Hillsbrad hold Azeroth’s most precious weapon - the pitchfork. Moone must collect no less than ten of these sacred weapons and hand them to Brodos, God of Pitchforks, who may or may not enchant all of them with Crusader.

The Trial of Mercy - Rugal

When Prometheus stole fire from the gods of Ancient Greece, Zeus sentenced him to an eternity of pain, binding him to a rock where an eagle would eat his innards every day - only for him to awake, intact, the next morning. Hercules released him from this prison, and so too will Moone save Gamon, Warcraft’s most killed NPC, by kiting him from the Orgrimmar inn to the Crossroads. In return for this show of great mercy, Rugal, God of Cynicism, will examine the screenshots and show mercy to Moone.

All trials must be screenshotted by Moone, with the results shown on the Bruce forums. If and when the trials are complete, the three gods will report to Pixelsmith, Grand Monkey Claw, and entry into the guild will be granted.

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Part 1 in a potentially infinite series of spotlight focuses (foci?) on you, the proud men and women of The Bruces.

“I’ll never forget the day I first met Brodos. Well, that’s a lie, I can’t remember a thing about it. But I’ll never forget the day after. I woke up with a terrible headache and a bleeding arse. Nine months later, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.” - David Beckham.

Brodos
Shamanan

Brodos was born to a young gypsy woman, abandoned on a riverbank at the age of two and subsequently raised by salmon. His early years were spent swimming, eating smaller fish and occasionally leaping. His teens were spent in largely the same way. At the age of 20 he enrolled at school, but received a permanent ban just four hours later for wanking. He walked straight into a branch of PC World and began playing World of Warcraft. He lives there to this day, paying his way with verbal abuse.

In Warcraft, Brodos enjoys hitting people in the face with an axe. He also likes goats. He is a keen campaigner for the Trolls’ Rights movement and is always willing to help out a girl in need in exchange for a sample of her underwear. His favourite band is Westlife and his favourite flavour of ice cream is green.

Fun Fact: Brodos once starred in a hilarious series of buddy cop movies alongside Aussie wild child Mel Gibson. The Lethal Weapon films went on to gross more than $200m worldwide.

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