Continuing his series of Advanced Guides, elite World of Warcraft player Pixelsmith tells you everything you always wanted to know about your favourite character classes, but were too stupid to have worked out yourself.

Palodins

Brightly polished and fuelled by holy might, the Palodin truly is a sight to behold on the battlefield. The class was devised as a unique fusion of the role-playing world’s most interdependent pairing, the Warior and the Preist. World of Warcraft’s creators struggled with various prototypes, including a cloth melee class and a healer which generated vast amounts of threat, before settling on the Palodin in its current form - a character structured around the fundamental principle of being impossible to kill. Indeed, in the two years since the Warcraft servers went live, there have been only three reported Palodin deaths.

The Palodin has three key features which grant it its inability to die. The first is plate armour, protecting it from melee damage. The second is a healing skill, which grants it longevity. The third is the Bubblehearth spell, which renders the Palodin completely invincible then ports it to the pub. These abilities are strong alone, but combined they make for a class which is statistically the most annoying ever created.

But there is a payoff for this incredible survivability. Initially, the class’s key deficiency was its low damage-per-second, or “DPS,” making it the role-playing equivalent of a shiny gold Weeble with legs. The Palodin’s only attack capabilities came in the form of a soft foam mallet with which to lightly irritate its opponent for 10-15 minutes before Bubblehearthing to safety. But recent game patches have increased - or “buffed” - the damage capacity of the class and, to balance this new power, Blizzard has been forced to rethink its base statistical structure.

So, while Strength, Stamina, Intellect, Spirit and Agility remain unchanged, a hitherto unseen sixth statistic, Homosexuality, has been made public, and raised to an unprecedented extent. Level 1 Palodins now start with 150 base Homosexuality points and gain 7 points per level. It is expected that a level 70 Palodin in full Tier 4 armour will have upwards of 2,5k Homosexuality, unbuffed, and the new High Warlord Palodin hammer, The Tradesman, could push that to almost 3k. The stat is remarkable for being the first in MMO history to directly affect the game user, increasing at a linear rate the extent to which the player enjoys the embrace of a powerful, hairy man.

The Palodin has only one talent, Bubblehearth, upon which all talent points are spent. Although the spell is fully functional from level 10, each successive point gives access to a new and more annoying emote, including /twofingers, /sarcastic and /righteousface. The 61 point emote combines all previous emotes into a single gesture so unfathomably annoying it cannot safely be described.

Tricks of the trade - the tactics that will help you become the greatest WoW player.

1) A shiny Palodin is a happy Palodin. Polish your armour daily using a mixture of beeswax and urine.

2) Your Bubblehearth spell will usually take the enemy by surprise, buying you a few precious seconds before they adjust their tactics to respond to your immunity. Use this time to your advantage by spamming /spit.

3) Stop shouting “huughh” when you do things all the time, and wipe that bloody smirk off your face while you’re at it.

4) The Burning Crusade will see a legion of curious Horde players creating Blood Elf Palodins. Get a headstart on them by spending some time in public lavatories and befriending the people you meet there.

5) Don’t forget to use the spell which makes a big hammer of golden justice come down from the sky. Everyone hates that.

Thank you for reading my Elite Guide to Palodins. Hopefully one day I will see you on the battlefield and you will kill me with what you have learned.

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How did we not hear about this? Apparently it’s some kind of craze and it’s even been on CSI. Yiffing is cybersex between people pretending to be furry animals. It’s named after the noise a fox is alleged to make when doing “it.” It’s cybersex between people pretending to be furry animals. Like a girl mouse and a man leopard. It’s cybersex between people pretending to be furry animals.

When did a one male typing “uuuuhh, yeah rub it” to another male, and then the other one typing “ooh you’re big bb,” while both are willingly participating in the fantasy that the second male is not a male, stop being wrong enough? Who started adding animals into the mix? You can probably only do it between Taurens in WoW, and the female ones are a bit weird looking, so hopefully it doesn’t happen. Please.

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Merry Christmas!

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This server has gone to the dogs. When I started here I was level 1 - now I’m level 60!!!! And I’m not the only one. I’ve seen level 60 characters ALL OVER the place. What the hell is that all about?

That’s not all. I remember when stupid Blizz made us download an “upgrade” patch a little while back and all of a sudden there were like 90 Arathi Basins and 150 WSGs and all these noobs from other servers pwning us with their uber gear. FFS BLIZZARD THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN ON OTHER SERVERS WHY IS IT ALLOWED ON OURS?

Then there’s the AH. I remember when there was a different one for each city, and now they’re all linked so the GOLD FARMERS can reach a bigger market and ruin the economy even more. The only thing that makes me more angry is the damn linked flight paths. What is so wrong with landing at every point in between your starting point and your destination for a snack and a wee wee? AM I SUPPOSED TO WEE OFF THE SIDE OF THE WIND RIDER???

And all these Paladins? When I was questing in the Barrens there were never any Paladins, and now you can’t move for big gay hammers and bubbles.

I’ve got a friend on Bronzebeard and he says for certain there are no noobs, no kids, no scammers or spammers, no ninjas, no gold farmers, no keyloggers, no cheating, no drama, no abuse, no raid wipes, no ganking, no bugs and no disconnects. Everyone wins their BGs, all the patches are trouble free and download instantly, the GMs give you free cake, the streets are paved with gold and the grass is very, very, very green. Unlike Stupid Ahn’Qiraj.

Gz Blizz. I’m going to transfer, then reroll Alliance, then stop paying my subscription and go play Guild Wars and Second Life and the new Tetris MMO and whine about how rubbish they are.  THEN WE’LL SEE WHO’S RIGHT!!!

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A bitch about the Siphon Life skill instantly and categorically dismissed by almost the entire community. Most amusing flame/troll war I’ve read in ages.

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Saturday saw Sheffield United beat Wigan Athletic 1-0 in the Barclays Premiership, naturally the only goal of the game was scored by Sheffield’s Rob Hulse, I think you can see where this was going…

If you don’t want to see the rest of the weekend’s results, look away now.

Rugál 4-1 France

Milkman 2-0 The paperboy

Brodos 3-1 Humanity

Heroes 2-1 In a half shell

Peni 5-1 ol

Bird’s Custard 5-0 Whores

And the cup tie between Pixelsmith and Warsaw ended in a goalless draw.

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So I PvP. How can I live with myself?

Like you, I have seen war. And I have, like you, been touched by death. I have tried - and failed - to scour the memory of broken bodies and the stench of rotting skin from my mind. I have forced shadowbolt after shadowbolt into the hearts of countless humans, gnomes, dwarves and bender elves, and watched them snuffed out in a second. I have dotted, and feared, and drained life, called forth my burning steed and raced to save my friends in their final hours.

I have stood shoulder to shoulder on the battlefield with my brothers and sisters as swords and axes hacked at our fragile limbs and fire rained down upon us. And I have fallen with them, charred and lifeless, only to wake roughly 29 seconds later to fight once more beside them in glorious, honourable battle, for the Horde.

And you ask if I am proud? If I can stomach this bottomless guilt, when I think of the many thousands of lives I have seen cut brutally short at the hands of this guild. When I think of the disbelief on those dying faces, the pain and the inexpressable anguish of an existence ended before its time, the eyes that fixed on ours with their parting message: “You have cheated me. I had so much more to do. You will never wipe this blood from your hands… you will die, stained.”

You ask if I am proud.

I am a Bruce. There is not flesh in this world to contain my pride.

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My beautiful face is ruined! You bitch I’ll make you suffer!

Oh wait, wrong movie. A normal news post will be along shortly. Thank you for holding, your call is important to us.

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