Who knows what drew us to Ahn’Qiraj? Whatever winds of fate led us here, our destinies as fellow guild members are now forged together, like a toddler welded to an aeroplane.

But this is just one world of many. Turns out there’s a whole bundle of different worlds in the mysterious land of “EU,” and some of them have stupid names. Although tragically paid Blizzard employees don’t make up names as stupid as paying players do for their arena teams, or guilds or characters, or pets and children.

Look at these. Perhaps spam their forums too:

Haomarush - bless you.

Emerald Dream - goooooo Barbie!!!

Al’Akir - radical Islamists.

Shattered Hand - farming accident.

Grim Batol - just a shit name.

Bronze Dragonflight - bronze dragon? It’s a miracle it can even walk, let alone fly.

Aszune - says “ass.” Haha! Ha! Running out of steam here.

This page, if you must.

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Part 3 in a theoretically endless series of painfully invasive internal examinations of you, the beautiful men and women of The Bruces.

“Moodok killed my husband, he killed my kids, he even killed my dog. Then he looked up my parents, my grandparents, my uncles, my aunts and my cousins, and killed them too. He went to my workplace and killed all my colleagues, then traced my old school and university buddies and teachers and killed them, and then he killed everyone I’ve ever spoken to, looked at, faxed or emailed. He’s ripped my life to shreds. But then again, he does have a huge penis.” - Morani, 2005.

Moodok
Dr00d

The result of an unholy pairing between a porn star and a lizard, Moodok spent the first 12 years of his life gestating inside an egg. When his egg phase was complete, he emerged as a fully formed, anatomically correct adult, but at a height of just 37cm - a size which he remains to this day. A scientific curio, he was formally adopted by the council of Sweden’s capital city, Skaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap, where he roamed the parks, feeding on chestnuts and charming businessmen at lunch with rude limericks.

Inside the World of Azeroth, Moodok likes to invest large amounts of cash exploring the intricacies of different game roles, from the solid and wily heights of the feral tree, to the selfless joys of restoration, to the exotic allure of the hunter. Despite this, he actually spends most of his life as a chicken, making him a feared figure on the battlefield with his deadly 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4 attack. His favourite foods are corn and mana potions and his hobby is dancing.

Fun Fact: Moodok is allergic to tectonic plates.

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Five days have passed since the trials began. Throwing himself upon the mercy of the Gods, our hero Moone has undertaken three epic challanges to earn their respect and pledge his allegiance once again to the guild he forsake.

He has thrown himself from the heights of Mount Hyjal, without fear. He has slain villages full of farmers, without sorrow. And he has saved the tragic Tauren, Gamon, from his eternal torture at the hands of the Horde. With the courage of a warrior, the lethality of a rogue and the compassion of a priest, he has completed his three trials.

Welcome home, young Moone. The Gods are pleased with you.

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COMPLETED

Rugal, God of Cynicism: “”Moone has blessed the Crossroads with Gamon’s presence and passed the third trial. The Gods smile down on you today, Moone.”

Gamon goes on holiday

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COMPLETED

Redstripe, God of Adventure: “Moone has completed the Trial of Air not once, but twice. Mount Hyjal no longer holds any fear for him - he is brave indeed, and I give him my blessing.” *

Moone’s Leap of Faith

*may not have actually been said by Redstripe

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COMPLETED!

Brodos, God of Pitchforks: “Moone has provided me with a sufficient amount of pitchforks. Here is the evidence we required. Well done young Moone.”

Ten pitchforks in Brodos’ sack.

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The Sins of Moone

Five-and-twenty centuries ago, a rogue named Moone left his guild, The Bruces, for pastures new. A long time member and friend to many, his leaving caused an outcry. Judas, Judas, cried his friends - why have you forsaken us? Stunned, guilty, he returned within 24 hours.

But his itch had not been scratched, Still Moone pined for knowledge of a life outside the guild, of a place where purples flow like water, where raiding takes place nine times a day and where all the people sp34k liek th15. So he pursued his foolish dream, and left again.

He quickly discovered that the grass was not greener outside. On the contrary, it was lifeless, and dry, and full of twats. And so he asked for his former brethren to forgive him and welcome him back to their bosom. He had learned his lesson, he declared, and he would not stray again if only the guild found the heart to forgive him.

The Gods of the Bruces were kind indeed, and they missed their friend. But they did not forgive a gquit easily, and they bore the weight and responsibility of wisdom on their backs. From the moment the mighty Morani, Goddess of Raids, plunged her arm into the Fires of Hades and scorched her flesh, they understood that mistakes were made for a reason. Without mistakes, we do not learn, nor do we grow, and nor can we progress.

Moone’s mistake could be forgiven, but it could not go unpunished, else there would be no lesson learned. If he desired re-entry into the hallowed halls of The Bruces, they reasoned, he would have to put the power of his actions behind the yearnings of his heart and prove himself.

And so the Gods set about plotting their test.

The Three Trials

The Trial of Air - Redstripe

A Noggenfogger plunge from the heights of the forbidden land of Hyjal. Redstripe, God of Adventure, discovered the secret realm and documented its secrets. He will lead Moone to Hyjal and watch him leap.

The Trial of Endurance - Brodos

The farmers of Hillsbrad hold Azeroth’s most precious weapon - the pitchfork. Moone must collect no less than ten of these sacred weapons and hand them to Brodos, God of Pitchforks, who may or may not enchant all of them with Crusader.

The Trial of Mercy - Rugal

When Prometheus stole fire from the gods of Ancient Greece, Zeus sentenced him to an eternity of pain, binding him to a rock where an eagle would eat his innards every day - only for him to awake, intact, the next morning. Hercules released him from this prison, and so too will Moone save Gamon, Warcraft’s most killed NPC, by kiting him from the Orgrimmar inn to the Crossroads. In return for this show of great mercy, Rugal, God of Cynicism, will examine the screenshots and show mercy to Moone.

All trials must be screenshotted by Moone, with the results shown on the Bruce forums. If and when the trials are complete, the three gods will report to Pixelsmith, Grand Monkey Claw, and entry into the guild will be granted.

45 Comments

Inspired by DOOMSLAYERS OF DOOM’s performance in this thread about scammers.

It’s early morning, and the sun is rising over Orgrimmar. Oxn, knapsack full to bursting, runs towards his friend and guild master, Caveman.

Oxn: Caveman! Caveman!
Caveman: Hey buddy.
Oxn: I jus scam man of 2 fousand mats!
Caveman: Oxn, you evil man. You rock.
Oxn: I like rocks.
Caveman: No, I mean you rule.
Oxn: OXN GOOD!
Caveman: That’s right. Nice work.
Oxn: Hug Oxn?
Caveman: Sure, buddy.

Caveman leans over and gives Oxn a big hug. Oxn visibly relaxes and lets out a little sorrowful sniff.

Oxn: Man hurt me after scam
Caveman: Aww, dude, your arm’s bruised.
Oxn: Hurting :*(
Caveman: There there buddy, it’s ok. I’ll protect you.
Oxn: Dad?
Caveman: No, no, I’m not your dad.
Oxn: Best friends?
Caveman: Yeah man. Buddies for ever.
Oxn: 4 eva!

Fellow DOOMSLAYERS OF DOOM member Enhärjarn appears as if out of nowhere.

Enhärjarn: Yeah, friends! Friends for ever!
Caveman: Hello?
Enhärjarn: Hey best buddy.
Caveman: Er, hi. And you are?
Enhärjarn: I’m Enhärjarn. Y’know, your good old pal. Buddies. Compadres.
Oxn: Compads?
Enhärjarn: Look under my name. Says DOOMSLAYERS OF DOOM. I’m in the guild.
Caveman: Oh yeah. Who invited you?
Enhärjarn: You did. C’mon Caveman, we’re the best of friends! Been through thick and thin together, fighting side by side on the battlefield, all for one, one for all, brothers in arms!
Oxn: Brothers?
Enhärjarn: In arms! Brothers in arms. We’re two sides of the same coin. Three sides, even, us three. I love you guys. We all love each other!
Oxn: M….Mom?
Caveman: He’s not your mom.
Oxn: MOM!!!!
Caveman: It’s ok Oxn, I’ll deal with this.
Oxn: Sore hed.

Caveman pats Oxn on the head and turns to face Enhärjarn.

Caveman: Look, Enhärjarn, dude.
Enhärjarn: Yeah?
Caveman: Er, how do I put this? You’re coming on a bit strong. Overfamiliar, even.
Enhärjarn: Brotherly love knows no boundaries, Caveman.
Caveman: Ok, I’m gonna come straight out with it. Do you… like men?
Enhärjarn: Do I like men? But of course! The bonds forged in war are strong indeed, fierce, passionate brotherly love grows between we men, enduring hardship together.
Caveman: No, I mean, do you like men? Touching men?
Enhärjarn: The firm grip of another shaking my hand before battle? The manly slap on my shoulder after a job well done? The embrace of a powerful, husky warrior when we have slain our foes? The feel of his fist pounding over and over again into my..
Oxn: FACE!
Enhärjarn: Er, face, yes. Into my face.
Caveman: Well, that’s sort of what I was asking.
Enhärjarn: Then yes. Yes, I love men!
Caveman: It’s just that, well, you’re coming across as a little bit… you know…
Enhärjarn: Friendly?

Enhärjarn walks forward and reaches out his arm.

Oxn: ARGH! Caveman, Caveman, he touch my special place!!
Caveman: Stop that!
Enhärjarn: But we’re friends! This is what friends do.
Caveman: I SAID STOP THAT!
Oxn: Do he have to dad.
Caveman: I’m not your father, Oxn.
Oxn: Sorry.
Caveman: It’s not right, what he’s doing.
Oxn: I like.
Enhärjarn: See. Bit of brotherly love. Perfectly natural.
Caveman: Jesus…I think i’m gonna be sick.

Caveman doubles over and throws up onto the floor.

Oxn: I fink little Oxn just done a sick in my trousers.
Enhärjarn: Good boy.
Oxn: Fank u. Do you want some mats? I scamd 2k of em off a man.
Caveman: THAT’S IT! THAT IS IT! I’ve had enough. We’re disbanding.
Oxn: Yay!
Caveman: That’s bad, Oxn.

Caveman sighs, stares at his keyboard for a second, then types /gdisband. He takes a pitying look at Oxn.

Caveman: Clean yourself up for God’s sake.
Oxn: Sorry dad.

9 Comments

Part 2 in a potentially infinite series of gruesome close-ups of the fine men and women of The Bruces.

“I celebrate Silverwave’s birthday at Christmas, remember his crucifiction on Pancake Day and rejoice in his resurrection every Compost Awareness Week (May 6-12). It’s no exaggeration to say that he is my personal Christ, a hero in a world without God. Isn’t that what we all pray for?” - Pope Benedict XVI

Silverwave
Mag

Silverwave grew up on the rough streets of inner city Glasgow, where he scraped a living fighting midgets for cash and performing sick sex games for tourists. At the age of 7 he killed and ate his own parents. The people of his notoriously bloodthirsty nation were so impressed, they immediately crowned him King of Scotland. He absconded from the throne in 2005 after falling in love with his hot lady butler.

In the World of Warcraft, Silverwave spends his time turning people into sheep and setting them on fire. He likes flying around very fast and is always pleased to be asked for water, food and money. If you see him in game, repeatedly ask him for water, food and money.

Fun fact: Silverwave’s entire body is covered with a thick layer of ectoplasm - a naturally occurring coating of slippery slime which makes him makes him virtually impossible to catch.

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Pain. We hate it. It’s up there with sickness, pestilence and death as one of life’s great bad things. Ask anyone what they dislike, and there’s a 50/50 chance that they’ll turn to face you, look deep into your eyes and say the word: “pain.” They might even do a little grimace.

So it’s no surprise to discover that pain features quite highly on the list of words to use in your arena team name. And why not? There’s nothing like the word “pain” to scare your opposition. Whenever I kill one of my victims, I like to soften them up with a series of unpleasant words, like “bang,” “slice,” and “scratchy.” A couple of hours of that and they’re on their knees begging for mercy.

Here’s a small selection of the 427 Arena Teams with “pain” in their name, not including the 17 simply called “Pain.” They’re broken down into themes for ease of digestion.

Things of Pain

Army of Pain
Gods of Pain
Angels of Pain
Sons of Pain
Brothers of Pain
Shadows of pain
Illusion of Pain
Power of Pain
Flames of Pain

And the token gay team: Lords of Pain

Murder Stab Destroy Kill Maim Gut Manslaughter Pain

HELL PAIN
Pain Death
Pain Killers
Suffer Pain Death

If those are simply too meek, why not join: Doom Death Pain and Hate

We have to admit, we actually like pain

Beautiful pain
Lovely Pain
Sweet Pain
The Joy of Pain

Love hurts when you give: Roses of Pain

Pain happening for a long time

Never Ending Pain
Endless Pain
Infinite Pain
Eternal Pain

Or, if you’d like some pain that will at least stop when you die: Permanent Pain

Sexy Pain

Cool pain in the ass
DeSire for PaiN
Purple Pain

Had five kids? Try: Fist of Pain

Bottom of the class

Gnom of Pain
Bloodfull Pain
Pain Compagny
Pain will com soon

Top caps abuse: pHysiCal PaiN

Finally

Pain of Destiny - fate hurts.
Distributors of Pain - for all your pain industry solutions.
Pain Train - one way tickets only.
Beyond Pain - sometimes pain just isn’t enough.

And the best of the bunch:
Pain olympic winners

22 Comments