Part 4 of the non-stop goldmine of investigative articles which violently force a large, illegal probe directly into every orifice of you, the glorious men and women of The Bruces.

“On the first day, God created the land. On the second, he flooded the seas. On the third day, the creator scattered forest across his landscape, and on the fourth he rose great mountains from the surface. On the fifth day, he populated his new world with creatures of every species and then, on the sixth day, he created man. On the seventh day, exhausted, he forgot all his keybindings and made Hoofios by mistake. It was pretty much downhill from there.” Genesis 1:6.

Hoofios
Huntard

Created in error by God himself, Hoofios is statistically the oldest member of the Bruces. Depending on your religious beliefs, that places him somewhere between 1,500 and 300,000 years old. He is mentioned more than 400 times in the Bible as the root cause of all sin and suffering, but, conversely, hailed as a prophet by Islam and worshipped by Hindus and Buddhists as a god. Scientologists, meanwhile, believe he is the Ninth Commander of the Supreme Army of Zordax and have been trying to kill him since they all went mental in the 50s. They fear he intends to capture and imprison them all then gnaw off their feet. Remarkably, they are correct.

Hoofios likes to escape the sheer magnitude of his existence by playing World of Warcraft. A keen fan of both PvE and PvP, he is frequently seen standing on small hills shooting people in the face while his trusty sidekick Bruce gnaws off their feet, as per the Zordaxian tradition. His friendly attitude and and willingness to help out a guild member in need is undermined only by the fact he plays when everyone else is in bed. The unstoppable armies of Zordax, as the Scientologists are well aware, do not require sleep.

Fun Fact: Hoofios once ate 19 raw eggs in a row. He was then forcibly ejected from Tesco.

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Today’s patch brings a comprehensive overhaul to the PvP rewards, including price cuts for existing honour and arena items, new battleground rewards and the introduction of Season 2 Arena gear. The internet rumour mill has made much of the changes - at omgbruces.com we bring you the real deal.

Wait til we get our hands on these bad boys.

Grand Inquisitor’s Baton
Nice straight stick for twatting people in the head.

Grand Inquisitor’s Staff of Inquisition
Extra long stick for double safe twatting from up a tree.

Razortusk Throwing Spoons
Sharp!

High Ranger’s Power Cannon
Shoot their fucking chins off.

Lady Alizabeth’s Iron Stapler
Pierce the flesh of your enemies then brutally fasten their documents to other, unrelated documents.

The Crutches
Featuring tear gas emission and concealed bayonet.

Salaryman’s Turban of Justice
I’ve been waiting for you, Mr Gnome.

Ultimate Strong Explodificating Axe of Mighty Destruction
The power of a thousand Hiroshimas - times infinity! Plus one!

That’s the lot. It’s going to be nasty.

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You might not realise it, but tucked underneath the class forums is a hidden place where people known as “officers” talk about things known as “guild things.” It’s basically like the Pentagon, only sexy. The sexy Pentagon.

At the request of a person who will not be named, here’s a revealing insight into the shadowy machinations of those who operate in the secret silo 300ft below Bruce HQ.

TRANSMISSION BEGINS

Brodos: Ive had alot of ppl interested in joining us, 2 are from Khadgar, its Voivoide and another, some FEMALE from SWE? Both have been chatting with me and have my thumbs up when they officially apply.

Scarlagh: perhaps you guys should get out and meet some FEMALES instead of just recruiting them to the guild!!!!!!!

Rugal: The WoW females are a lot less hassle than the real ones.

Pixelsmith: Yeah. They are such a pain to bury.

Rugal: And the cost can really start adding up, little plastic bags for the separate body parts, then you need a new shovel handle every now and then, petrol to drive to the woods, it’s a bloody nightmare.

Pixelsmith: And don’t even start on freezer space. I mean like, hello-oo, where am I supposed to store my peas?

Rugal: That’s right! I tried to get one of those big industrial restaurant freezers but even a second hand one was extortionate, and God was it noisy. I’ve been living off tins of Heinz Spaghetti Bolognese for the last four months as my poxy little fridge/freezer combo is stuffed. Saying that though, the little vegetable drawer at the bottom is quite handy for odd fingers and bits that are hard to keep track of.

Pixelsmith: Yeah. Eyes, teeth, nipples…

Rugal: I don’t bother with keeping the teeth, I hate them catching my cock and they’re so hard to pull out I just end up sort of smashing them out with a brick, there’s not much left to them after that.

We should post all this as a news update.

TRANSMISSION ENDS

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It’s true! There’s a real, proper, better-than-the-rest-of-us famous person in The Bruces!

Hats off to him for being so modest and not bragging about his tremendous success, but I found a CD of his on Amazon and there’s now way I can keep it from you guys.

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We thought the quiz would weed you out. Turns out you’re smarter than we realised. You saw through it - God knows how. Some kind of mutant powers, no doubt.

Know, colourblinds, that this is not the end. We won’t stop until every last one of you bastards is dead.

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Here’s a fun quiz, just like the ones we run every June. This is not an attempt to weed out the SICK and WEAK members POISONING our ranks with their FLAGRANT DISABILTY.

WARNING! ANY MEMBER NOT TAKING THIS QUIZ WILL BE GASSED.

Question: what does this image show?

(A) A grey rectangle
(B) A series of coloured stripes

Answers in the comments section please.

*persons answering (A) may be humanely destroyed.

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Swe?

SWE??!!!

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WOOOOAARGGH fans its PWNLOCK here to rawk u up wiv a fresh tale.

So i wASs jus grindin elemnetlds 4 2 get some money CASH FFS Noob n theres this alli warior n hes doin the same so hes liek killin mi mobs but n I no wat ur thinkin ur thinkin OMG PWNLOCK U DIDNT KIKLL HIM n yer well i wd have cause I HAET allis but today i dunno wat was up fr some reasn I was jus all all about peace n harmony i dunno I mus haev jus had my ritalin lol.

So anywa im like PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW DOT DOT DOT DOT DRAIN LIFE PEW fuckin PEW n thes elemntals r goin down liek bags of FUCKIN MOTHERFUCKIN SIHT n all of a suddn out of nowere this asshoel warroir’s like CHARGE SMACK SMACK n all big grin on his faec cause hes like YER IM BEATIN ON TEH PWNLOCK I GOTTA TELL MY MOM n teh thing is I had pulled liek ten mobs all wiv dots n so Im fitin like 25 things includin him but yeah whatev he dont no who hes fuckin wiv.

u got any idea who we was fuckin wiv? at all? yer thass right pwnlock fans it was THE PWNLOCK so I was liek DEATH COIL SHADOWBOLT SUMMON VOIDWALKER SACRIFICE VOIDWALKER FEAR CORRUPTION CURSE OF AGONY SIPHON LIFE IMMOLATE FEAR SHADOWBOLT SHADOWBOLT SEARING PAIN DRAIN LIFE DRAIN LIFE DRAIN SOUL /SPIT /SPIT /SPIT. n he fuckin rezd at the gy cause he nowd if i see him agen i r fuck him up so bad he cant walk 4 leik 10 yrs at laest lol.

n thats anotha tale of the PWNlocKKKK outin teh battelfield savin teh world.

Believ.

oh yer btw mi dots killd all the mobs so thta wa s fien.

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