Stomping squirrels, stabbing rabbits, torching sheep - all valid forms of entertainment. But for sheer comedy critter value, nothing beats punching a cow in the face.

And that makes us think. Picture yourself in a field, idly enjoying a Sunday afternoon picnic, and reading a Jane Austen novel. You’re alone, perhaps because your family has been recently captured or killed, perhaps because you simply enjoy your own company.

THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.

There you are, minding your own business, when along comes a cow. They are docile creatures, normally, but this one seems a little aggressive. It edges close to you, knocks the book from your hand, and stares right into your eyes. “You’re in my field,” it seems to be saying. “And I’m going to fucking cut you.”

Then it pounces.

What would you do? Unarmed, you have only your fists to defend yourself against this scrap-happy bovine. We’d punch it in the face until it stopped moving. Is that a good plan?

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We would like to extend our thanks to all readers for observing the unannounced one month’s silence in memory of Eight Eyes Eddy, the much loved spider who tragically lost his life in a vaccuuming accident in my hall in 1987.

May he rest in peace.

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