Women. What are they? Where do they come from? How can I trap one? These questions have crossed the mind of every male World of Warcraft player at some point in their online life - generally when they encounter a woman. At such moments, it’s all too easy to fall into a panic and forget how to use your limbs and mind. Please, don’t worry. We’re here to help.

At The Bruces, we pride ourselves on mistreating women less than any other guild. It’s thanks to this modern, forward-thinking attitude that we have humanely trapped more than ten women for ourselves. But we’re not selfish. We’d like to help you achieve the same level of success and, to that end, all our women are available for the introductory rate of 30 Euros per half hour. We have also produced a handy Elite Guide to them.

WOMEN

The Key Questions

What are they?
Women are the female equivalent of the human man. Where man’s DNA is closest to that of the chimpanzee, however, women share 99% of their genetic information with frogs.

Where do they come from?
The origin of women is a mystery, but it is believed they come from swamps and ponds. Like frogs.

How can I trap one?
The science of woman trapping is fascinating and diverse. Historical records show early men would ensnare women by placing a shiny object like a well polished shoe inside a jam jar and leaving it in a field. Entranced by the shoe, passing women would reach into the jar and attempt to retrieve it. The man would then run towards the distracted creature and hit it over the head with a stick. This meant they were married.

Modern trapping methods are rather more complex. Today’s male will take a desirable object like an iPod and leave it inside a jam jar in a coffee bar or clothing boutique. Passing women, drawn to the mp3 player, will reach into the jam jar to try and touch it, whereupon the man will leap out from behind a chair or mirror and hit the woman over the head with a stick. This means they are married.

Identifying features

With the notable exception of Thailand, identifying a woman is easy. Telltale signs begin with the head: hair should be glossy and abundant, eyebrows slender and well ordered and lips bright red and slightly pouting. Crucially, there should be no moustache or beard: many men have found themselves in a sticky situation after forgetting this vital step.

Below the neck, women are identifiable by their lack of bow tie, and by two raised areas on the chest. These are highly sought after by the internet community. Lower still, the woman’s sexual organs differ drastically from those of a man. It is rare that these will be used for the purpose of identification, as the owner will likely have been verified as a woman before said regions are revealed. Again, with the notable exception of Thailand.

Experienced spotters can also pinpoint a woman by looking at the base of the body. Feet, unlike those of the male, are small and dainty, with only the toes touching the floor. Making identification easier still, the shoe is usually adorned with the image of a bra.

Dealing with women in the wild

In the jungle
If you see any women in the jungle, stay well back. They may start kissing.

Online
If you encounter a woman on the internet, politely demand that it sends you images of its breasts. This will make it feel valued.

In a chat room
Women in chat rooms are usually men. Unlike real women, this means they are very likely to be seeking cybersex. Use this to your advantage.

Inside the home
The women in your house are your mother and your sister. Do not attempt to marry them. Unless you live in Finland, in which case you should attempt to marry them both.

Top Tips

Upon encountering a woman, the first course of action which presents itself to the male is to prod it curiously. Beware: this rarely goes down well. Instead, divert the woman’s attention with a humorous story or a flare. Any prodding may then go unnoticed.

Women love gifts. Try leaving a dead mouse or some wasps on one’s bed.

Ugly women have low standards. Take advantage of this by trying to sleep with them.

If a woman dies while in your possession, do not panic. It will function as normal for at least three more days, after which it can be respectfully thrown into the sea.

Thankyou for reading the Elite Guide to Women. Hopefully you will use it to gain great amounts of success and women.

12 Comments

New World Warcraft patch arrive wif speed of motorcar! Fast rike burret from gun! Many improvement! Highright guide berow onry ten dorrar! OK FIVE DORRAR!!!!

- Dwarf: Gun Specialization now increases chance to critically hit with Guns by 1% rather than increasing weapon skill.
Shut up.

- Gnome: Escape Artist cooldown increased to 1 min, 45 sec.
Don’t care don’t care don’t care.

- Priests: Characters with less than 1338 healing will see their Circle of Healing heal for less.
Number 1337 controversially nerfed.

- Warlocks: Nether Protection (Destruction) now has a new, more distinct visual effect.
The actual highlight of Warlock changes.

- Quest givers who have available daily quests will have a blue exclamation point instead of a yellow one.
Stop the press!

Cowl of Benevolence will now make the correct sound when moved in a player’s inventory.
Fart noise deemed too silly.

- Pets will try to get behind their targets when engaging in melee combat.
Gay yiffing community finally acknowledged.

Pleh. 20 minutes? Crap effort Pix, D+.

6 Comments

You’ve seen the photos. It looked like a pretty good party, didn’t it? Lies! Omgbruces has obtained exclusive access to a stolen memory card, and the pictures inside - taken by a mystery photographer - reveal the shocking reality of online gaming. Scroll down to see the shameful truth behind The Bruces’ September nerdfest.

Pixelsmith strikes a sexy pose.

Aakarp demonstrates the traditional clothing of Sweden.

Milkman casts fear.

The arrival of Ceelie is announced.

Exelos, Morani, Evelny, Dingdiesel and Hoofios enjoy an excellent joke about a GUI conflict between version 2.0.13 of the FuLocationFu addon and the latest Cartographer instance maps pack.

Brodos makes his exit.

15 Comments