In a top-secret scoop we have the latest breaking news from the Chinese underground (Triads) on one of the new bosses to appear in the next World of Warcraft expansion, “Way of The Lightning Kobra” (WoTLK).
Many thanks to guild leader Pixelsmith for donating the necessary kidney required to obtain this exclusive inside report!

In the expansion your 24-wo/man raid will have to take on Guile, God of Large Wooden Crates. Clearly this character is a far cry from WoW’s previous bosses, indicating a change of direction for the franchise in an effort to broaden the playerbase even further. Guile (pronounced “gwee-lay”) is in the Navy or something, and out for revenge after the murder of his best-friend Bert at the hands of the evil Jonny Cage.

Gulie has a wide range of manouvers designed to wipe your raid while not messing up his hair, including:

Sonic Boom: Two little swirly fireball things that spin around a bit and hit the tank for medium damage. You’ll know this attack is coming when Guyle bizzarely walks backwards for a good 5 seconds, however at least half the time he’ll fail to correctly cast the spell and just do a punch instead.

Flash Kick: A dazzling attack where Goile somersaults high into the air and delivers a fancy kick, cheaply taking priority over any attack cast against him. Even easier to pre-empt than the Sonic Boom, you’ll often know this move is coming when Gyile kneels down doing pretty much nothing for a few days, take this opportunity to barrage him with ranged spells and attacks.

Crouching Medium Punch: A fast, moderate damage ability, Gkjsfseoijle likes to spam this move on the tank, stunning the player until range becomes an issue. At this point he’ll do that aforementioned fancy kick for what is all in all a rather cheap combination that needs to be nerfed.

That’s all I have for now, but my informant tells me we can certainly find out more about the next expansion. More information will just cost us Moodok’s eyes.

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You see that dragon? Yep, that huge one in front of you that has somehow failed to notice the 25 armed humanoids buffing each other 50 yards from its face. What does he mean to you? Nothing, we bet. That majestic beast pacing back and forth, oblivious to its incoming death, represents nothing more than a sequence of scripted attacks forming a barrier between you and the chance of an item upgrade.

How do you think that makes him feel? That’s right - pretty bad.

But that dragon has a back story, and a life. He might currently be trotting up and down and mumbling to himself inside a castle, but before you turned up to ruin his party he was flapping across the world creating history. He probably defeated some kind of pig demon wrenched from the bowels of the nether by a power hungry Elf Lord who went mad after killing his sister for falling in love with the King of the Wisps and allying with the Centaur people of the banished city of Undragoth to destroy an infestation of flying snakes sent by a malevolent force known only as Oron which was awakened after three thousand years’ slumber below the planet’s surface when the great ogre Cho’Krot fell from his home atop the giant felpines of Evernosk Forest and split the ground creating The Valley of Scarabs from which poured a seemingly infinite plague of termites until they combined to form one Primal Termite which terrorised mortals for a hundred years until it saw a Retribution Paladin and laughed itself to death.

Then again he might just be a big stupid lizard, but the point is that you don’t know that because you’ve never thought to ask. You ignorant bastard.

Of course, you might not be into all that RP LOL gubbins, but being a nerd you’re certainly into WoW, and being a human you’re probably not impervious to the delights of a well woven yarn, so if you have a spare ten minutes you might enjoy hopping along to this here page, which is a handy bitesized guide to Warcraft lore for people who are normally far too bored to care.

Although it doesn’t explain what gnomes are. I’m not sure anything can.

Edit: the post’s gone now, after all that. In summary, some pretty epic stuff happened and a lot of people/things got angry with each other.

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