hi my name is roogal and this is a website for by me and my freind milky

we like 2 play werld of warcroft it is a rely fun game and we r pro. we hav lots of pro frends in r gild nun of them r noobs wwell mayb brudos lalalala

not rely he is well gud and we xX~luv~Xx him rely

he is on his holydays wiv pickselsmif they their r seein sum of r freidns from r gild. we fort it wud be nice 2 maek the websyte prityer so wen thay cum back thay wil b reely happy. milky can make cheet codes for the 4rums he is a prowgrammar he is goeng to git a job at bizzerd and maek wow2 on the comupter and psp so u can play ont tthe toylet and dont hav 2 log out.]

he wil get probaly fifty billiun pounds. he sez he can get me a job2 coz i am gud at droring orcs mayb i will post u sum later on r new site it is www.omgbruces.com!

c u l8r guyz! xXxXxXxXxXx

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9 Comments

Bludge has been nice enough to do all you filthy mouthbreathers a favour and compile a twelve* part guide on how to go outside without getting yourself killed/arrested/shot/stabbed/raped/banned from the library.

Hello my friends. If you are reading this then you have probably been playing WoW to make up for your obvious social deficiencies, and because at £9 a month, it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than Crack. However, once you’ve played for 48 hours straight you may notice certain urges. You may feel the urge to place things into your mouth to relieve the severe stomach cramps, or need to empty your catheter bag. All of this can be done from the safety of your own home. However sometimes you may need to leave your home (like an inn, your mother is the innkeeper who can provide basic food and supplies). This guide will help you to survive.

Note the comfortable slacks and utility holder in the upper left hand quadrant of the shirt to carry essential items of stationery. Notice how he has a complete set of stationery. Having one hand larger than the size of your head is a bonus, but not necessary. We have now learned the basics of the PvP realm in which you live, eating, and social attire. Further information will be distributed in due course.

*Number made up on spot, may be incorrect.

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Alterac Valley is the World of Warcraft’s largest player-vs-player battleground, pitting 65 players and 15 bots against each other in an epic struggle to kill a raid boss who stands inside a large shed barking insults. The players, split into two teams of 40, must race from one end of the map to the other, assaulting and securing strategic points along the way, in a bid to reach the opposition shed. Once there, they continously run inside and die like insects until the boss gets bored and falls over. Each team is then awarded 2000 honor points.

Those are the basics, but Alterac Valley is remarkable among World of Warcraft’s battlegrounds for a number of reasons.

SCALE

While AV is still the largest battleground, its size is just a shadow of what it once was. When initially devised, the map was three times the size of Outlands, yet team numbers were restricted to just seven per side. With fights lasting anything from four months to two years, it took the deaths of several of Korean players before a mandatory shutdown was put in place, freezing the game between 1am and 5am to force the combatants to sleep. Successive patches have consistently reduced AV’s scope and introduced a resource mechanic to bring its play time more in line with the likes of Arathi Basin and Warsong Gulch - turning the once impossible dream of five defeats an hour into a reality for Horde players everywhere.

MOBS AND NPCS

Besides spirit rezzers, zombie lumberjacks and rats, most battlegrounds are devoid of the sinister presence of computer controlled life. AV is different, its snowy wastelands liberally populated with guards, archers, irritating goat creatures and a wide variety of other mobs and NPCs. But while most of these are simple window dressing, four are of crucial importance.

The middle of the map is home to the Horde and Alliance mini-bosses, Gary and Barry. Killing these is an essential part of a healthy AV, as it grants a large chunk of honor, diminishes the opponents’ resources and causes at least five of your raid’s most vocal commentators to shut the fuck up.

The final sheds house the two opposing leaders - known as “Bishops” - who provide the primary means of victory. While the Horde must sacrifice themselves repeatedly to the blades of the mighty dwarf Voldo, the Alliance focus their assault on the orc hero Derek, although the structure of the fight is roughly similar for both sides. A textbook strategy is to scream for a tank (if you’re a healer) scream for a healer (if you’re a tank) or scream at random (if you’re anybody else) then rush inside in panic and either die immediately or rush back out again to reset the Bishop’s health. Provided no nearby graveyards have been secured, this tactic can be safely repeated until the other team wins.

CONTROL POINTS

The geography of the Valley is home to a set of strategic control points which conspire to hasten or hamper the teams’ march to victory.

Graveyards
This is where your character returns to life after being killed. Capturing these points provides a spawing area for downed team members, potentially altering the flow of the battle by placing them closer to their objective. Although each side begins with two graveyards close to their Bishop, the most important graveyards lie further towards the middle at Stonehearth and Iceblood. Stealing either of these graveyards from the opposing team doubles the length of the game, granting valuable thinking time. Also of note is the consistently deserted Snowfall graveyard, which boosts morale by offering solo players the chance to feel like they are making a difference.

Towers and Bunkers
Both teams begin the match with four sites which, when toppled, grant an honor bonus and eliminate a corresponding member of the Bishop’s crew. As in real life, these buildings are destroyed by ascending to the top, touching a flag and waiting for four minutes for them to set on fire. It is possible to recapture the flag within that four minute period, leading to some of the most exhilarating and annoying encounters available in PvP. Towers and bunkers also exhibit one of the most interesting traits in the game. Dubbed “Selective Stealth”, this quirky camouflage mechanic renders them completely invisible to four out of five players.

Mines
These are the AV equivalent of the human appendix, a once proud organ reduced to uselessness by mankind’s modern reluctance to eat grass. They can safely be ignored, although they do provide a helpful place to take a break from the stress of warfare and enjoy a relaxing picnic.

STRATEGIES

The idiosyncratic design of AV has led to a hugely diverse range of strategies which can be used to lead your team to defeat. The following have become commonplace.

The Ant
All 40 players mount up outside their starting cave, then race as one to their opponent’s Bishop, ignoring all points in between. This inspired tactic shortens the game time considerably, allowing the opposing team - who are better - to win the battle in as little as eight minutes.

The Turtle
38 players mount up and distribute themselves evenly between defensive points - towers, bunkers, graveyards, and the houses of Gary and Barry. Meanwhile, two mages launch a brave and fruitless assault across the map to down the opponent’s Bishop. This strategy leads to a lengthy and calming defeat.

The Sloth
All 40 players mount up and head for the Field of Strife in the centre of the map. Once there, they dismount and mash keys until their hands bleed, and the thoroughly entertaining maelstrom which results causes players to gradually leave the battleground in frustration. This allows a new set of troops to replace them and embark on a series on solo variants of the Ant and the Turtle. Defeat results sometime within the next two hours.

The Hawking
This intelligent tactic sees players break off into groups to defend or attack the various towers, bunkers, graveyards and mini-bosses. Meanwhile, a further group returns to defend their Bishop, while a larger one heads directly to that of the opposing team. The result is a profoundly satisfying defeat.
Despite the power of The Hawking, the strategy has only been seen in action once. The players involved were so fulfilled at the end of the match that they immediately cancelled their accounts and went off to have familes.

The Pot Noodle
This unholy, stinking mess which results from 40 players executing 40 individual variants of all of the above strategies. Employed in nine out of ten games, it inevitably leads to defeat.

When all is said and done, Alterac Valley is a complex and enjoyable battleground which rewards thoughtfulness, teamwork and playing skill. It’s large enough to feel unique among World of Warcraft’s varied PvP encounters, yet sufficiently compact for one player’s actions to turn the tide of battle. It’s a place to join with fellow players from different realms, salute in proud brotherhood and ride into battle together on a epic scale rarely seen elsewhere in the game - united as one in glorious defeat.

Thank you for reading my Elite Guide to Alterac Valley. Hopefully one day I will meet you in battle and you will kill me with what you have learned.

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The official forums are always plagued with people butthurt that bigger boys killed their alts, as if letting the rest of the server know that “Allykillr” ganked someone ten levels below him is somehow going to pull on the heartstrings of everyone on a PvP server until they all start hugging and giving each other a reacharound.

Finally, Blizzard has responded with what equates to “reroll PvE nub!”

here’s a PvP resolution to being camped, get some friends, use the chat channels to ask for help, or find a higher level character nearby to beg for assistance. It really isn’t the job of support or design to hold your hand all the time though, which happens quite a lot I think you’ll agree, but you’ve created a character on a realm that is based around being able to kill other players. It isn’t always going to be fair, and in fact the rules of war are based around attacking when the odds are in your favor. Now how that applies to an online game is obviously not quite as clear, but the fact remains that while it may not be honorable to attack a weaker target, it’s certainly easier.

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This Friday marks the start of the most epic journey ever attempted in the name of Bruce, as Brodos and Pixelsmith leave the loving bosum of their English homeland for a pan-European adventure. For 20 days they’ll be enjoying the hospitality of their fellow guild members, sleeping on their floors and sofas, eating food from their fridges and stealing their valuables. Here’s a map to show how it’s going to happen.

Here’s the plan of attack:

1) England. Cradle of civilisation. Land of eternal bliss. Goodbye, sweet home.
Predicted highlight: None, it’s crap.

2) Finland. Home of Iscaria and, more to the point, Iscaria’s parents. A question mark hangs over whether they have been fully informed of the imminent influx of foreign geeks.
Predicted highlight: Dwarf mines. Snow.

3) Sweden A. Home of Morani, Moodok and a large dog. Moxto will visit, as will Aakarp. Fun will ensue.
Predicted highlight: Eating fish. Assembling furniture.

4) Sweden B. Home of Aakarp. Soon not to be home of Aakarp any more because she’s moving.
Predicted highlight: Shouting “SWE?” in street. Destroying flat.

5) Serbia. Home of (deep breath) Peyota, Lyoshi, Tronetti, Mardag, Shone, Bog, Krool, Dudemeister and about 50 more people.
Predicted highlight: Armed warfare.

6) Bulgaria. Home of Cheesus, adopted Alliance Bruce, and many of his associates.
Predicted highlight: Getting ganked.

7) Italy. Home of Wrists, aka Thooghun, aka Takecandle, aka Furyofbenoit, aka Roguelol, aka Learntopray.
Predicted highlight: Ice cream. Whores.

England. End of holiday. Land of sadness and sorrow.
Predicted highlight: Sleep.

There are too many people and too many countries left off the list, but five countries in two-and-a-half weeks is mental enough as it is. Plus it’s not long to Brucecon Swe, and provided neither Brodos nor Pixelsmith wind up in a bath of ice in the woods with their kidneys harvested, there’s always 2009!

p.s. Brucey news may be a bit thin on the ground for a little while. There’ll be a goodbye post in the form of the Elite Guide to Alterac Valley.

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Getting hold of digital cash is an arduous process. 25 daily quests, negotiating the Auction House, pimping your trade skills or fucking strangers are among the many options available to those who wish to bolster their bank balance, but for some people it’s just too much effort. As with cleaning your house and masturbating, it’s far simpler to pay a poor person to do it for you.

That’s where gold sellers come in, offering a quick-fix solution to in-game money problems by giving you the chance to spend your actual real life cash on WoW gold - each nugget lovingly farmed by a four-year-old Korean orphan humanely handcuffed to a PC.

Games companies don’t like this. Not only does the practice have an effect on an MMO’s economy, it also means somebody other than them is profiting from their meticulously designed package of electronic crack. So they go to varying lengths to try and shut these people down and punish those who use them.

Now a player has taken up the mantle. Antonio Hernandez is a run of the mill WoW subscriber who claims gold farming company IGE is messing up his $15-a-month game experience with their actions. His lawyer’s well practised in the field, as this Escapist interview shows. On the plus side, he’s got the full support of Blizzard (”free lawsuit!”). On the downside, he probably hasn’t got a leg to stand on and there’s a strong chance China may see this as a declaration of war. We’re stocking up on tinned food and weapons just in case.

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Fkin nabs in AVs the worst cos u like tel them wut to do at the start in teh cave like FFS BUFF and TABLE NOW n they stand there liek tards jus DUH I DONT NO WERE THE TABLE BUTTON IS. wich is y we loose.

This one tiem I wus omw to Vandross cos pros dont fkin defend YEAH I LIEK 2 HOUR AVS not so Im zergin pretty much on my own every1 else is fitin in middel rofl liek they can only kill allies if theres 20 of them cos they arent the Pwnlock tho they obvously wish they was lol who doesnt lol?

N anyway Im at the SP bridge n most ppl cap SP but most ppl need to rez so I dont bother n Im ridin over n the archers r firin away but u cant dent teh PWN’s 21k hp wif ur little arows Ive got liek korium skin or wuteva n they all bounce off pretty much n I keep on ridin n get to aid station n liek I dont need to cap that either cos liek I said i cant b killed but those DUMBASS fkin midgits dont no that so their all in mi face all 4 of them at the gy. yer wutever the pwnlocks gonna make u regret eatin those curnflaks this mornin u shudda stayd in bed cos SEED OF CORRUPTION TAB SEED OF CORRUPTION TAB SEED OF CORRUPTION TAB SHADOWBURN KILLING BLOWKILLINGBLOWKILINGBLWOKILINGBLO roflsk8s. nite nite nubbers.

i fkin eat for a bit not cos i need teh hp Im still at about 23k but I liek the animatons on it it luks pro n I haf a drink too for teh same reason. then I run into Vandross’s house n obvusly hes still got those 6 buddys cos noone got tiem to cap teh bunkers. i get up north ultra fast they alwasys say OMG HAX??? n Im liek yer I hax at LIFE not at a fkin GAME get a gf u loosers.

(I haf ten gfs).

N if it was other nubs here itd be all LF TANK GET HEELERS PLAZ DONT RUN OUT liek fkin wite noise n i cant be bovved wif that so I jus point my finga at Vandross n say “uve got a daet with teh PWNLOCK” n then its all SOUL FIRE SEED OF CORRUPTION CURSE OF DOOM IMMOLATE SIPHON LIFE UNSTABLE AFFLICTION LIFE DRAIN n all these fkin 9 guys is wailin on me n I fink there was maybe 3 SCUM ally rouges too but Im just liek LIFE DRAIN rofl LIFE DRAIN lmao LIFE DRAIN spit n my helf jus goes up n up liek a roflcopter n tehn BOOM curse of doom hits n Vandross is ded n every1s liek OMG TY 4 TEH HONOR PWNLOCK WE WAS STILL WIPIN ON BULINDRO n Im liek no problem its jus how teh pwnlock rolls.

Thats jus how I roll bitchs.

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Introduction to news item.

Picture of thread title in WoW General Forums.

Screenshot of opening post.

Second screenshot of reply post.

Picture of entertaining blue response.

Link.

End of news post.

34 Comments

When WoW was first released, the only mount available was a camel. It added 20 per cent to your walking speed, guzzled water every two minutes and spat in your face when you got off. Blizzard swiftly discovered this was dramatically unpopular and replaced it with an array of horses, cats and giant cow frogs tailored to each race.

But they didn’t stop there. The Burning Crusade has seen a veritable menagerie of animal and mechanical mounts offered up to players willing to invest the time acquiring them. Even so, the X-51 Nether Rocket looks set to gazump them all for sheer desirability.

Tragically there’s only way to get hold of one, and that’s via the WoW Trading Card Game. Either buy a truckload and hope you get lucky or get one on eBay from someone else who did -although the latter’s not likely to be a realistic option unles you shit coins or have an attractive sister nobody will miss and some reliable connections in the Arab world.

Also available in the new set of trading cards: a special biscuit to make your non combat pet get fat and a personal rain cloud for emos.

23 Comments