Reports of our birthday party taking place on Sunday have been greatly exaggerated.

It is, in actual fact, taking place on Monday night. Meet at Grom’Gol from 19:30pm server time. Deeprun Tram action, Bruceybingo and associated mucking about. Romping. Chomping, Rioting. Carries on all night.

Bring fireworks.

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Being a Bruce I love a bit of creepy stalking, and if I do say so myself it doesn’t get much better than this.

As of right now, this note is sat on Redstripe’s desk where he works in Leeds:

WE’RE COMING TO GET YOU REDSTRIPE

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Three years is pretty fucking impressive.

Party on Sunday.

Be there.

Details to follow.

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It’s only taken four months! Turns out that making a website when you know literally zero things about websites takes four months. If I’d have known that at the start, I’d have broken a couple of my fingers so I couldn’t even begin. Plus I’d have got time off work. Bonus.

So, what is RollZero? Well, it’s a place for things I’ve written and am going to write. Bit self-indulgent, but then again fuck it, I made the damn thing. It includes the following lovely stuff:

World of Warcraft
The highlights of all the Brucey site updates from the last two-and-a-half years (I’ve not nicked the ones by anyone other than me). Almost all of them spruced up a bit, with pics and captions and so on.

The Shed
There have been a few of these on omgbruces. It’s a gadgets column I write for a magazine based near me. Don’t let that put you off though. It’s not really about gadgets. It’s a great big collection of rants. Seriously, go and read some of these if you’re bored. Some of them are awesome. Then again, I would think that.

Chad Bradley
A few years back I started sending out ridiculous letters to companies. Contents along the lines of “There’s a shark in my mineral water” or “Your cereal smells like wee.” Lots of them replied. Xynthia scanned them all in for me, and I’m going to be uploading them fairly regularly. Four are up so far as a taster, in the Chad’s Letters section.

Yes
Yes. I’m calling this open beta, I think. There are bits to fiddle around with here and there, “read more like this” links to put in various places, articles to polish, some free space to fill, and the forums - well, I’m happy enough with them right now but they could use a tidy.

Go take a look! Please, in fact, go take a really good look, and let me know what you think. Start populating the comments boards, stick some nonsense in the forums and tell me what I should fix. You lot are the reason I made this thing in the first place - I’d never have got so into it all if I hadn’t enjoyed writing on this guild site so much. I’m a journalist for a living, but ten of your digi-friends saying they like a Brucey news post beats writing for a paper every time. 30,000 homes, they say? How come none of the bastards ever write in except to complain, eh?

Once this baby’s up and running, I can start levelling my flippin character.

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Mankind is stupid.  Don’t take that personally, I’m just saying.  We have a system of education that allows us to learn and to think yet some questions we cannot answer.  Is there a God?  What is the soul?  Should I receive sexual gratification from shaving a cat?  These are simple questions we answer at school (for reference:  probably not but you might want to worship just in case; soul is the stuff inside you that isn’t like guts and that; if you like).  More complex questions such as “who is map?”, “when is tree?” and “why is table?” we may never be able to answer.  But one question rises above all others:

“Given the choice, would you rather be given a real Light Sabre, or the ability to web-sling?”

This is the question that has flummoxed scholars throughout the ages.  Sure you may think “well, Light Sabre, duh!”  as you make swishing noises in your bedroom.  But think about it… REALLY think about it, it’s a damn tough question.  I am not offering you the chance to be a Jedi or to have any of Spiderman’s other abilities.  Just what is stated.  So what is owning a Light Sabre without Jedi reflexes?  Could you control it, learn to use it?  Someone could steal it, or you could be arrested in the street for possession of an offensive weapon. That said, bloody hell… a light sabre! 

Then you come to web slinging.  You would truly be a superhero with such powers… but you can’t climb walls, and I am not offering super strength, so could you actually swing from place to place?  Maybe you could work out and get strong but who knows.  What if you were taken away for medical research?

Give this some thought and come back with your answer.  There is no correct answer; however bonus gold stars will be given to those who really further the debate rationally rather than just stating which they’d prefer.

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Yo peasents!

I took some time out from grindin ma g to put dis up 4 u all.  Hope it help u be less poor.

Peace!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=hxTFvreBA_k

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Yo peasents!

Glodlock here, and I’m richer than u. Gold is my name and grinding g is my game, I am pro at monies. You may know my brother, Pwnlock. He a bit more simple and needs to l2spell roflcopters he cant even talk right but he does kinda pwn and he ma bro so he cool. But he always liek “omfg wtf u haf so much g” then he always like “omfg gief g pl0x” and I’m leik “lol so u don’t pwn so much at teh monies do u?” and hes liek “lol” and i’m like “lol” and he’s like “omfg lol” and I’m liek “yeah stfu lol” and he’s like “lol nub” cos me and him liek we are like poets or sumat, cos people are always laughing at us, cos we so pro i guess.

But so yeah, u are poor and i got loads of g, one time Blizz even messaged me and was like “lol stfu u haf so much g” n i’m liek “yeah lol” and dey were all liek “omg don’t break the server all ure g is causing lag” and i’m liek “lol”. Blizz were liek “we should make u da bank manager” and i was liek “lol stfu i got a million g don’t need your bank lol” and dey were liek “lol”.

So anyway, you are poor and are always standing by da bank going “1g pls” to me and i’m liek “ffs i sneezed 500g only this morning lol”. U never r liek “lol” to dat. So anyway rather than sitting under cash machines liek i know u do in RL begging for monies for WoW I’m gonna liek help you to sort of suck less at being poor. Liek u will always be poor to me, but liek maybe if u listen to me u will be less liek poor. So you got any questions about how to make teh g if u aint Chinese roflcopter u just ask da Glodlock and i will help u poor nubs out. And liek if u r really lucky, I will read out ure nab questions about g on my new show lol, yeah lol u read dat right, Glodlock on ure internets soon! Srsly.

U got questions cos u haf no g? glodlock@hotmail.co.uk

Or u can ask here if u liek, cos u Bruces r teh poor but 1 time i was fishin n got ganked n u saved me but dont tell ma bro lolol.  Srsly tho, dont tell him.  He not as smart as me, not so kind in RL.  But he does haf 10 gfs, dat true.

Peace!

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’Sup, I’m 50 Cent. My life been mad busy since I hit the top. If I ain’t layin down rhymes in tha studio I be gettin shot in tha ches’ all day, so I got zero time to cook. An I bet yo tha same. Who got time to cook in today’s fas movin world? Not me, that’s fa sho.

So when my mixin finger get itchy, I like to make somethin I can jus leave in the fridgenator to get baked. An I ain’t talkin no salad. I’m talkin tiffin – that shit’s goddam scrumptious! An now wit my recipe, you can make yo very own Fiddy Tiffin. Know wha’m sayin? See y’all in tha club!

***

You will need:

225g butter
200g plain chocolate
2 tbsp golden syrup
50g raisins
50g coconut
50g chopped roasted hazelnuts
300g digestive biscuits, broken up goodstyle.

Melt the butter, chocolate and syrup over a low heat until the chocolate has melted. Do this in a pan or empty tin of cat food, using the hob of an oven to create the required heat. Add all the other ingredients, mix well and empty into a baking tin lined with greaseproof paper. Sob for 12 minutes, then place mixture in the fridge until tiffin is cooled and set. Eat.

***

50 Cent is known in the UK as 26p. His latest album, Bream for Supper, is available from all good record stores.

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