Yo peasents!

Check out my new episode now, with even lower production values than last time.  Why?  Coz it saves on g, nubs!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-s4lpyO-CkQ

Keep grindin’ them g’s

Peace!

10 Comments

I thought it would be only right to thank everyone for their votes over the last week. A bit more thanks to those who voted for Georgie and I, but itsy bitsy thanks to everyone else as well. It’s a big step for Brucemocracy. Anyway, I thought I’d make this post so that everyone gets a chance to get to know us a little better, and to give a taste of what Brucehood will be like with the two of us in power.

First of all - never doubt that we love this guild, and would not change it for anything in the world. Unless it was for the better.We might try to add more car chases and explosions.

We will do our best to honor the nipple-pinching lobster of Bruce.

We really do love lobsters.

And I for one will do my best to make sure my voters get the finest cupcakes available to humanity. Because I said they would. And I never lie. Except right now.

So what is there left to say?

Thanks for making us your new officers!

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People of the Bruces.

We stand on the cliffs of history. Shoulder to shoulder, we gaze at the horizon of destiny. Arms linked, we glance downwards into the waters of freedom. And, with our souls as one, we jump. We hit the surface and at once democracy envelops us. The last remnants of tyranny are dashed against the rocks. The sun breaks through the clouds, casting rich, warm rays onto our bodies.

We’re all dead. Happy now?

But it’s not all tragedy, this tale of regime change. Two proud people were thrust above the parapet and found themselves winning the hearts of us all. Against stiff competition - the political wizardry of Stratos, the poetic charm of Icarus and that one post where Greatlich realised he was nominated - these fine fellows have been chosen to represent you, the glorious members of the greatest guild in the world.

Your new officers are:

ATHUOS and MAREMIEL. Aka Georgie and Maja. Aka Evelny and Noxia.

We welcome them both into the Officers’ Lounge with open arms.

(Drummer, hide the porn)

24 Comments

Genuine transcript. I am Sweat16.

(talon) whats up
(Sweat16) wanna cyber?
(talon) asl?
(Sweat16) 18 f uk
(talon) 19 m nj
(talon) us
(talon) u have picture?
(Sweat16) No I don’t have any cameras
(talon) oh, what do you look like
(Sweat16) Dumpy
(talon) dumpy?
(Sweat16) Rotund.
(talon) what does that mean?
(Sweat16) Sexy
(talon) describe yourself?
(Sweat16) Oh right. Well I’m sort of short, and I have quite thick glasses, and I love reading.
(talon) how much u weigh?
(Sweat16) About the same as 10 cans of paint. I’m not sure how much that is.
(talon) riiiiight
(Sweat16) I wish I had scales!
(Sweat16) What about you?
(talon) i bet
(talon) im begining to not believe or want to talk to you
(Sweat16) What’s wrong with me?
(talon) your fake
(Sweat16) That’s the worst thing anyone’s ever said to me.
(talon) well dont tell someone we weigh as much as 10 paint cans?
(Sweat16) I thought that would make sense.
(Sweat16) Sorry
(talon) no not at all, so what do you look like
(Sweat16) I’m about 5 foot 3, long hair, massive boobs and bad teeth
(talon) lol
(talon) and im supposed to believe that why, how do i know your not a 45 year old man behind the
computer
(Sweat16) Don’t laugh at my teeth!
(talon) well why would you tell me that haha
(Sweat16) It’s best to be honest
(talon) that is true, so how old are you?
(Sweat16) 18
(Sweat16) Come back!
(talon) name?
(talon) i am back! whats your name?
(talon) wellll?
(Sweat16) Can I tell you my pretend name?
(talon) sure?
(Sweat16) Sparky
(talon) nice name, so wat u wana do sparky?
(talon) haha brenn!
(talon) whoops
(Sweat16) Who’s brenn!?
(talon) so what you want to do?
(Sweat16) Are you cheating on me?
(talon) someone is #casualchat
(talon) no its a guy fron australia
(Sweat16) You’re cheating on me with a MAN??!!
(talon) what no? im talking to him and like 30 other people
(Sweat16) That’s disgusting
(talon) what are you talking about? your so weird
(Sweat16) Why do I always get picked on?
(talon) because of the way you handel conversations im guessing
(Sweat16) What’s wrong with the way I handle conversations?
(talon) nothing, are we gunna cyber?
(Sweat16) Ok. You start.
(talon) you start!
(Sweat16) Erm… alright.
(Sweat16) I’m taking off my glasses.
(Sweat16) Can you put them on the bedside table for me?
(talon) absoutly baby
(talon) anything else i can do your you sweetie?
(Sweat16) Thanks
(Sweat16) I’m taking off my bobble hat. Pop that on the table as well would you?
(talon) anything for you, get comfy baby
(Sweat16) Thanks. I’m taking off my earmuffs. Please put them on the table.
(talon) anything else you want me to put on the table
(Sweat16) Well most of my stuff. I don’t want to lose it.
(Sweat16) Here’s my shoe.
(talon) okay, would you like me to help you out of your pants?
(Sweat16) Hang on, best get my other shoe off.
(Sweat16) Alright, I’ve done that. Can you just stick it on the table so I don’t forget where I put it?
(talon) absoutly
(talon) can i kiss your neck baby
(Sweat16) alright
(talon) im going to slide my hand down your pants if your alright with that to while i kiss you
(Sweat16) I’m a bit uneasy about all of this
(talon) whys that
(Sweat16) I…
(talon) whats that)
(Sweat16) I’m not sure how to put this…
(Sweat16) I don’t really find you attractive
(talon) just tell me
(talon) you dont know what i look like)!!?
(Sweat16) Well I can guess.
(talon) so were not cybering anymore?
(Sweat16) Will you wear this bag?
(talon) sure
(talon) this is so strange!
(Sweat16) I’m handing you a large paper bag, about the size of a human head.
(Sweat16) Tell me what you’re doing with it.
(talon) im covering my ugly face with it so you dont have to be disgusted by me
(Sweat16) Don’t be so hard on yourself. There’s someone out there for all of us.
(talon) but i want you
(Sweat16) Can you draw on the bag?
(talon) what should i draw on the bad
(Sweat16) Surprise me.
(talon) no you tell me, i am your slave
(Sweat16) I’m not into that
(Sweat16) Draw something funny on the bag
(talon) just tell me what to write
(talon) this is the weirdest cybering ive even seen sweat
(Sweat16) Draw on the bag for god’s sake!
(talon) i drew a doggy on the bag!
(Sweat16) what’s it doing?
(talon) sleeping
(Sweat16) That’s not very funny
(talon) either is this so called cybering? wheres the dirty talk lol
(Sweat16) Er…
(Sweat16) Shit!
(Sweat16) How’s that?
(talon) what?
(Sweat16) I said a bad word
(talon) well wheres the talk about us having sex and all that shit, like cyber is about
(talon) not putting bags over heads and drawing on them!
(Sweat16) Oh
(talon) so are you naked or what?
(Sweat16) No
(talon) why not
(Sweat16) I’m at work
(talon) so are we going to really cyber or what
(Sweat16) Well I can’t do much at work can I?
(talon) you can type as dirty as you want and not looks shady to co workers!
(Sweat16) But you don’t like all the stuff with the table and the bag and the drawing.
(talon) yea because that is not sexual at all!
(Sweat16) What’s wrong with that?
(talon) its not cybering!!!!!!!!!!
(Sweat16) Sorry

17 Comments

Welcome to BruceWatch, your one reliable and completely, ridiculously, impossibly unbiased source of all things Bruce! We’ve got a busy week ahead of us, and it is crucial that you, the voters, vote for the person that is best suited for this important job. We here at BruceWatch will do our best to bring you the inside scoop on each of the five candidates so that YOU can make the choice that is best for YOUR favorite guild. Let’s get to it!

Greatlich

Greatlich may seem like a perfectly good choice. This is understandable. He’s active on the guild forums, and seems like a nice enough chap – But we here at BruceWatch have got the inside scoop!

Reliable sources have informed us that the dapper Dutchman not only engages in orgies on a regular basis, but blocks emergency exits while doing so. If a fire breaks out at Bruce headquarters, could you trust this man to let you out safely? I think not.

Athuos/Georgie

Georgina has the face of an angel, and would not hurt a fly. Despite our infinite mass of sources, we had tremendous trouble digging up a single piece of dirt on this girl. She is sickeningly sweet, the epitome of the English rose. Or is she? A picture says more than a thousand words..

Of course she wouldn’t hurt a fly – she likes to dress up as them! That’s right. After dark, Georgie likes to don a bumblebee outfit and hit the underground furry scene. Scandalous photos have been seen.

Also, the grapevine has informed us that her boyfriend, already an officer, prefers male companionship - their relationship is a SHAM! Yes, we said it, SHAM!

It’s all a carefully planned ploy, where the ultimate goal is to have both halves of this deceitful couple in positions of power within the guild. I fear for the future of our guild if this becomes reality.

Icarus

Enough said. Do you want an officer who is known for flapping about with wax and feathers on his body? Do you?

Stratos

As already reported, Stratos recently suffered a very public mental breakdown. He ran rampant in a hair salon late at night and demanded to have his head shaved, only to do it himself when the employees of said salon refused to help him.

Today his breakdown resulted in him shaving his own head. Tomorrow, he might shave Riqz. Are you willing to take that risk?

Maremiel

Dedicated gamer. Enthusiastic raider. Obsessed pet collector. This girl is dedicated. Wait, we already used that word. Well, we don’t care. We love her! She joined The Bruces right after rolling horde, and only *cough* left for a teeny tiny bit in order to pursue a raiding career *cough*  but then she came back! And has never even thought about leaving for a single second ever again! And her boyfriend is straight! And she doesn’t dress up as animals! Or wear wax wings and fly too close to the sun!

Maremiel: The obvious choice.

This article has been sponsored by the “Vote for Maremiel campaign”. Thanks for the cupcakes. They were delicious.

24 Comments

‘Sup.

I said ‘SUP fools!

The nominations (”noms”) are in, and a selection of candidates (”cans”) will now be paraded before you like cheap, filthy slaves (”slaves”) in an attempt to secure your vote. Voting will be by secret ballot (”sallot”) and will be done by sending me a PM on the forums (”frumz”). Please just vote for one person. If you vote for more than one person (”merson”) your home will be located and burned to the ground (”home burned to ground”).

n.b. I haven’t checked with these people if they actually want to be officers, but if any of em don’t, they can denominate themselves and people who voted for them can vote for someone else. How fair is that? Amazingly fair, is the answer. So fair it makes me sick.

SICK!

Your nominees are, in alphabetical order:

Athuos aka Georgie
Greatlich
Icarus
Maremiel
Nalgok aka Stratos

When all the votes are in, we’ll count them up and make ourselves two brand spanking new officers. Unless the first person wins by a great big massive margin and there’s no clear second place, in which case we’ll just make one brand spanking new officer and then have some more elections in a few months.

You have one week. Get to it. All this democracy is giving me indigestion.

17 Comments

Bzzz. Bzzzzz. Ugh, get off. It’s a Monday night, I’m answering emails and there’s a fly flitting around my head. They love computers, flies, hover around the screen like it’s some kind of fly version of catnip. It’s the heat, or the light, or I don’t know what it is. Perhaps they love people at computers. Whatever it is that’s so enthralling, I wish it wasn’t, because I’m trying to answer my emails and I don’t want to be hanging around with a fly while I’m doing it.

It disappears. Maybe it’s dead. Good. I finish typing and shut down the PC.

Tuesday night, and I’m mucking around on the internet. Not quite sure where the last hour and a half has gone. That seems to be the way with the internet.

Bzzz. Bzzzzz. Bah. It didn’t die after all. The fly was just resting, taking a break from its busy schedule of eating things, sicking them back up, eating the result and then having a nice little fly around to see who it can irritate. There’s only one person in my house, so that’s who it picks. Great.

I head downstairs and grab a glass and a piece of cardboard. Let’s see who’s boss, huh? Back up I go in search of the creature. It’s on the corner of my monitor. I approach, card in one hand, glass in the other, moving my body with as much stealth as I can muster. I pounce. It escapes. I give chase.

The fly heads into my bedroom with me in pursuit. I follow it round the room, clapping the glass and card together in a fruitless attempt to snatch it in mid air. I leap onto my bed, off the other side, scamper round the edges and then leap back on, and back off. All the scene lacks is Yakkety Sax.
Gotcha! Too slow, fly. I open the window and release it into the night. Perhaps, I think, that’s where it wanted to be all along. Free.

Wednesday, and I’m sat at my computer.

Bzz. Bzzzz. Three guesses.

I don’t know how it got back in. It seems pointless to try and catch it again. Instead, I head to wikipedia and type in “fly”. For the unfamiliar, wikipedia is an internet encyclopaedia. Edited by volunteers, its authority has been called into question, but I wager it knows a lot more about flies than I do. I scroll down the page in search of details of the insect’s life expectancy. Bingo - two weeks, it says. Four weeks if it’s a female in a warm environment. There are details of how to tell a male from a female, but my eyesight isn’t that good.

So I decide to accept the fly. In three-and-a-half weeks, maximum, it will no longer be a problem. Live and let live, I think. I look at it, scuttling around the corner of my keyboard. Maybe I should name it. I do. I call it Steve.

I close down the computer, clean my teeth and head to bed. I leave the lamp on and sit up with a book.

Bzzz. There’s a fly on my bedside table.

“Oh,” I think. “There’s Steve.” It would be wrong to say I felt any affection towards it, now I had given it a name. But I wasn’t annoyed any more.

It doesn’t take much for human beings to recognise facial features. Draw two dots and a line and we’ll see a face, where a computer would see nothing more than two dots and a line. We humanise things. It helps us to understand them, to process the world in a way we can relate to, compartmentalise, care for. In our minds, we make them like us.

The same thing happens when we give them a name.

I look at Steve. You’ve not got long to live, I think. I guess you can’t help wanting company.

Be my guest, buddy. Be my guest.

6 Comments

Freedom! You may think you have it, but do you? Do you really? For too long this guild has laboured under the crushing weight of tyranny. For too long the people have gone without a voice. This year, for the first time in the history of the Bruces, we will break the mould, and bring you - DEMOCRACY!

In a severely truncated and closely monitored form.

This week, I ask you to nominate the people who you would like to see as Bruce officers. Those nominees will then be narrowed down to a select group of the willing and able (using our traditional methods of tyranny) and these candidates will be put forward to a guild vote.

Two posts are open. Feel free to nominate a person for each of them. Please send your nominations to me by PM on the forums.

P.S Tickets now available for the next round of bingo. Mail gold in-game to Bruceybingo. Will run the draw when the prize fund reaches 2,000g.

23 Comments